Hello, Writers!  Welcome back to BygJuce's Poetry Workshop!

A couple of weeks ago, I asked readers to write a poem where they captured a moment.  There were no requirements on rhyming, meter, or form.  You simply had to capture a moment with words.  I had a couple of entries this round, and I'd like to commend these folks for stepping up and accepting my challenge.

I'd like to present their poems for all to enjoy.  I've read through them and have provided feedback below their entries.  I haven't edited or altered the poems in any way, even if there were misspellings or grammar issues because those may have been intentional, though I may address them in the feedback.  I've also written my own poem for readers to view because I feel critiquing others' work is meaningless if I don't bring something for them to critique as well.  After all, this is a workshop!  I might as well have some fun, too!

And now, the Poetry!


One-Way Streets


The Sound

- I like the progression of actions in each stanza.  It starts with a smile and ends with a roar, or it starts with a skip and ends with a dance.  It makes for a nice build up; however, I'm confused as to what is being built up. 

- You definitely have a moment you want to capture here, but I'm not quite sure what it is.  I'm sure you've heard this, but if you can show instead of tell, then do it.  Take us to this moment with specific details.  Don't worry about making the poem timeless.  Represent yourself and the moment with as specific details as you can.

- The poem's form is excellent, and you use white space well.  All in all, this is a good draft.  Details could make this poem much more immersive for the reader. 



 - You've captured a moment excellently!  Your details are great, and your word choice creates a very dreary, melancholy tone, which seems to be what you're going for.

- The poem's form is interesting.  Some lines are short while some are much longer.  This can work, especially if you're making a concrete poem or if you want to have the reader pay extra attention to that line, but typically having consistent line lengths is best.  I'd consider revising and breaking those lines up.

- There are times you don't capitalize the pronoun "I" and times you do.  Whether you did this intentionally or not, I'd consider going one way or the other.  Consistency is good for a reader, and when you break grammar rules it usually represents something important or is used to grab attention.  Also, your capitalization at the beginning of sentences is inconsistent.  Again, I'd go one way or the other.

- Your metaphor of the stripper as a bird was done very well, and I loved the imagery of the mirror and the stage.  Your word choice for these parts were great except for the one cliche you used: "a man staring into the abyss and it staring back."  I understand what you're doing, and it was done quite will given the imagery you created, but cliches are boring and make poems sound less powerful.  I'd consider editing that line and saying something more original.

- I'm having trouble grasping the theme of your poem.  You end by saying "my now callous mind," but you started the poem "languidly."  This seems to show that the narrator went from being lethargic to uncaring instead of caring to uncaring.  You may not want to show the narrator going from caring to uncaring, but it's something to consider.  Showing something the narrator cared for or at least liked ultimately getting shunned or ignored in the end would make the ending more impactful.  I'm thinking you might use the friends somehow to convey this since they kind of frame the poem already.

- Again, I just wanted to say how excellent this poem is.  You are a great writer.  I could see everything your were writing.  My last bit of feedback would be to try and appeal to the other senses more.


I'd like to thank the poets I've showcased here today again, and I encourage readers to discuss the poems in the comments below.  Let us know what you think.  What did you like?  Dislike?  Do you have suggestions to make them better?  Please let us know!  I'll see you guys in a couple more weeks with another poetry mini-lesson and challenge!