In this day and age of MLG (a synonym for a clubhouse of assholes) people tend to hate losing more than ever before. Call of Duty and Halo can make anyone incredibly frustrated with you being shot at all angles without any time to react, but there’s something about being next to someone who you’re playing against that increases the tension in a game. You’re looking over at them thinking, “You know, that thing attached to their neck doesn’t seem to be doing anything important, maybe I’ll take it.” These are the games that could potentially bring you to your boiling point and thus bring out your homicidal tendencies with your friend on the couch sitting within the warm glow of your picture box. Keep in mind that I’m only looking at local multiplayer, not online. So, without further ado, these are THE TOP 10 GAMES THAT MAKE YOU WANT TO KILL THE OTHER PLAYER.
10.) I made a game with Zombies in it
Before I discuss this one, I’d like to give this game a shout out and say that you should buy it. It’s only a dollar on XBLA and its one hell of a ride, but keep in mind that the title will be in leet speak on the indie game side of XBLA. I made a game with zombies in it is a twin stick top down shooter where you fight enemies such as zombies, smiley faces, blobs in space and various other nonsensical enemies. It ranks so low on the list because it is very beneficial to have someone along for the ride, but that can’t stop you from stealing all the power-ups that drop for you guys. They could just stay with a dinky rifle while you can go from rocket launchers to flamethrowers to shotguns to lasers within 10 seconds. So, have fun shooting up shit and being a dick.
9.) Halo: Reach
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??! JOHN!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU SAID YOU WERE ONLY LOOKING AT LOCAL MULTIPLAYER!!! OMGWTFBBQ I IS SO PISSED OFF. Well, dear reader, you may not believe this, but Halo: Reach has a local multiplayer mode, and multiple ways to experience the game with your buddies, and my favorite way is Forge. Forge is a mode where you can build all sorts of crazy things while also having firefights with your best friendos. My friends and I like to build little forts for ourselves where we stock up on weapons and equipment and then fight it out, but in between building in Forge and fighting on the map you built in Slayer, there’s plenty of room to be an asshole. Whether it’s shooting your friends while they’re distracted by building, bringing out the killball and destroying everything or hording all the weapons vehicles and other things, you can be the biggest troll on the planet and ruin everyone’s time.
8.) The Simpsons Arcade Game
With this one, the amount that you hate your fellow gamers is in direct proportion to how many of them that there are. If you’re playing on your own, you’ll do pretty well, but you’ll feel overwhelmed at times. With another player helping you out, you can take on the whole world by yourselves as you clear rooms and pull off sweet combo attacks. With three people, room around the machine will be hard to come by and you’ll start to have occasional fights over health and weapons. With FOUR players, you’ll be more pissed off than Jack Thompson at a GTA fanboy clubhouse. Nobody can get along, you can barely see the screen and there will always be that one dickhead who hogs all the weapons and health, and the worst part about it is that you know that you could break all their skulls within 5 seconds.
7.) Marvel vs. Capcom 2
Marvel vs. Capcom 3 was definitely more balanced than previous installments, so that one stays off. With 2, there were characters that only complete dicks would use. You know what I’m talking about, Iceman, Sentinel, Amingo, Tron Bonne, all those characters. Also, characters that shared one cheap attribute like punches replaced with projectiles, like Mega Man or jugglers like Magneto or Doctor Doom. The only way to avoid not getting frustrated when you’re playing with someone is to establish a list of characters that you aren’t allowed to choose, and that’s why this is only number 7 because there is a work around, but only if you have a decent human being as your opponent.
6.) Time Crisis
There’s definitely some personal bias with this one. I think I was spoiled by my best friends when it comes to partners in Time Crisis because we work very well together. Shootin’ up bad guys, saving each other’s asses, getting our thing of quarters refilled while running low as one of us keeps fighting while the other make a mad dash to the change machine, it’s really great. But, if you’re playing with a stranger, they’d better keep up, or else you’d put a cap in their ass. So, if you want to go two player in Time Crisis, you’d better make sure that you have an actual friend.
WARNING: THE NEXT FIVE GAMES WILL CONSIST OF MOSTLY MARIO GAMES, AND I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANY BITCHING AND MOANING ABOUT IT OR I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND, GODDAMN IT.
5.) Super Mario Brothers 3
Super Mario Brothers 3 is one of the greatest video games of all time. Now that I have that out of the way, the other player is always a fucking asshole!! You can really leech off one another in SMB3 because if you coordinate which levels you play correctly, you can make your friend do all the work while you get to go to all of the mushroom houses and Hammer Brother levels. But John! How do I do that? Simple, you just die on a level before a mushroom house, then your friends finish that level, and then you can go to the mushroom house! And that’s how babies are made.
4.) New Super Mario Brothers Wii
I think I got off pretty ok when it comes to New Super Mario Bros Wii because most of the time, having my friends play with me got me pretty damn far in the game, but other times they could just be lazy assholes. They can slack off and just go into their bubble while you do all the work, but you could get revenge. One of the funniest aspects of the whole game is what I like to call the self destruct button. If all of your friends are being lazy asswipes in their bubbles, just hit up the A button and the level is over and you’ll be looking over at them like, “LOL U MAD?” It’s basically an entire button dedicated to giving up, and you know what? I love it.
3.) Toy Soldiers
There’s also some personal bias in this one too. I don’t think many people own Toy Soldiers, so one of the things that makes you want to kill your couch mate is the endless stream of stupid questions from them like, “Where’d you get that gun?” Or “How’d you do that?” Or everyone’s favorite, “This is boring, can we play a different game?” Oh, and I’m looking at you, friends of mine. SHUT THE FUCK UP. IT’S MY HOUSE WE CAN PLAY WHATTEVER GAME I WANT YOU ***censored for surprise buttsecks not suitable for tiny baby mans***AND YOUR MOTHER TOO. Anyway, another is the ongoing stalemate with both sides destroying each other’s guns making no room for either side to make progress so you just want to smack the other person and say, “HEY, KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!!!” And I forgot to make a clever transition to number two.
2.) Mario Kart
This probably would’ve come closer to number one, maybe in the 1.5 spot if it hadn’t been for one game in the series, Mario Kart Double Dash. You are pretty much forced to work together every waking second. But surprisingly, it’s really fun. It’s kind of like the co-op mode in Portal 2 where you really grow to be closer friends. But other games in the series are an invitation to dicks. Red shells, blue shells, green shells galore in the other ones. You can’t stay in first place for too long before someone rapes you up the butt with a trident in the form of a blue shell. And now, our feature number one spot.
1.) Mario Party
It’s amazing. It really is. Nintendo made an entire game based on fucking over your friends, but it’s still fun. Why is it still fun? Because being a dick is fun. And it always will be, at least in video games, and that’s why we love them.
Well, that was nuts. I’ll see all of you in my next post.