Hello and welcome to Ask the Experts, the only show where ignorance is encouraged. I'm Dallinag. Well, springtime is here. The snow is melting, the flowers are blooming, and that means a new schedule for Ask the Experts. So remember experts, keep up the good work, and don't forget that we're always looking for new recruits!
Also, I just want to add that if you need any information on the 1 Year Anniversary special, you can find it here.
3/1: CrazyDuck, caboose_-1, BenNiGeLing
3/8: Lost Answers Episode (w. FrankHaggar)
3/22: A Zero 2 Hero
4/5: 1 Year Anniversary (No Experts Needed)
4/12: SpoonMan Abrams X, DRQ
4/19: CrazyDuck, BenNiGeLing
4/26: No Episode
5/3: A Zero 2 Hero
5/31: Bygjuice, Icipall
Well, that's our... schedule. Now if you excuse me, I have to make an actual episode. Good night and remember, we're always looking for expertise (or lack thereof).
Hey guys. I'm Dallinag. Welcome to a not-so special episode of Ask the Experts, the only show where ignorance is encouraged. If you haven't noticed yet, this Ask the Experts blog is not on the g1 Features. In fact, it's actually on my page. This is because this isn't an actual episode of Ask the Experts. However, this isn't a schedule either. Instead, I'm going to talk about stuff that's in the near future for Ask the Experts. If you don't want to read about this, well, I already got the view so the only loss will be on your part. Let's begin.
If you don't read the bottom of each Ask the Experts, this stuff is for you. If you are not in the aforementioned category, go ahead to the important stuff.
If you want to volunteer for Ask the Experts, it would probably be best for you to head to the schedule page. Here, not only can you volunteer for Ask the Experts, but you can also see who will be on the next episode, and where you can volunteer yourself. This is the place to go if you want to waste your time asking silly questions. Oh, and word of warning, you're not allowed to volunteer other people for them. You have to do it in person.
If you want to participate in Ask the Experts, but don't have the time to answer questions. We have just the solution. On any episode of Ask the Experts, you can post a question you want answered on the show. However, two words of caution. First, the question you ask cannot be a trivia question. It has to be a silly question about logic in video games. Secondly, I can't guarantee that all of your questions will be answered. However, I will do the best I can.
Also, for those of you who have questions about Ask the Experts, the SFAQ (Somewhat Frequently Asked Questions) is the place the go, Here, you'll find every single solitary question imaginable on there. However, on the offchance we missed a question, just PM me it and I'll try to get it in.
COMING SOON TO ASK THE EXPERTS
We've got a great year of Ask the Experts coming this year. You can expect bizzare questions, insane answers, and occasional jokes that nobody understands.
Not only that, but we'll be celebrating a major milestone in Ask the Experts. On April 5, we will be celebrating the 1 Year Anniversary of Ask the Experts. Now you may be asking,
"Dallinag, how will you be celebrating this not-so momentous ocassion?"
Well friend, I've got something big planned for the day. This tie, instead of me asking you the qustions, YOU will be asking ME questions! I know, mindblowing right? You can submit your questions in the comments below. Be forewarned though, there is possibility that your question may not make it in. However, all who submit will be namedropped in the special thanks section.
Well that's all I have to say. Good night and remember, we're always looking for expertise (or lack thereof).
Good evening, and welcome to another edition of a series I like to call Ask the Experts. On this show, I take a panel of three guests who either volunteered, or I asked them, to answer silly questions about video games. However, due to what most likely was scheduling conflicts, my third guest (whose name I won’t mention out of fear of embarrassing him/her) was unable to make it. So this time we have two panelists, Gaijin Goomba and Ferret75. So, I guess you can call it the 2/3 Complete Edition. But, enough wasting time, let’s get started!
Question #1: According to the original Super Mario Bros. manual, Bowser's army is skilled in black magic. If that's the case, then why don't they just use their magic to kill Mario or something?
Gaijin Goomba: If you've seen my worshiping nerdgasming blog about Bowser you'd know that there should be absolutely no reason in the world why Bowser doesn't just crush Mario and Green Mario, take Peach as his pride, and conquer the land. But that wouldn't make for a very fun game...
Ferret75: What you may not know about Mario is that he himself is also a magician. Think about it. He can transform ordinary green pipes into warp objects which can advance him several worlds, he can jump impossibly high heights in later games, and he can gain the ability to project fireballs from his own two hands. So in actuality, Mario is unaffected by the magic because he himself is a white mage.
Question #2: If Rayman has no limbs, then how can he move?
Gaijin Goomba: You should probably ask Yahtzee, Vectorman or Plok.
Ferret75: There is the possibility that he may in fact have limbs, only they are invisible to the human eye. The species of Rayman is born with a gene that allows them to pick up light reflected off of that particular animal part from their kind.
Question #3: Where exactly does Sonic live?
Gaijin Goomba: Knothole Village? >.>
Ferret75: That's a simple question. Sonic the Hedgehog lives in Knothole Village throughout most of his teenage life. When he gets bored, he sometimes travels around to various sections of Mobius with Tails, even taking temporary residency in a floating island for the animated film.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Yes, I am such an idiot that I didn’t know that where Sonic actually lives is actually explained in Sonic continuity. I should be ashamed of myself. Everyone, I urge you to head down to your local (a.k.a. only) Crazy Dave’s Crazy Angry Mob Supply Depot Warehouse Shack of Total Bargain Madness and Violence and buy your angry mob supplies to set me straight. Note over.
Question #4: What does actually kill a cartoon, Thinner or Dip?
Ferret75: I suppose the Dip would kill them. The exposure to toxic paint substances would certainly lead to that demise.
Gaijin Goomba: Ah, you see, cartoons have change far beyond what they used to be. Thinner and Dip no longer affect them as they've evolved out of those weaknesses. What it takes now is a well written, well executed computer worm or virus to eliminate their rendered 3D butts. I'd suggest Megabyte or Hexadecimal.
Question #5: Shouldn't Mario be arrested for animal abuse?
Gaijin Goomba: Yes. Add drug possession, and breaking the laws of physics to the record as well.
Ferret75: Of course he should. Wigglers are a good example to illustrate this. They don't attack Mario directly and are just peacefully walking, and then Mario goes and starts stomping on their bodies like nobody's business. They go after him afterwards out of self-defense, and they are understandably scarred from the serious amount of physical pain that they feel during the tragic event. And let's not forget the goombas. They have no way of attacking Mario at all for they lack arms. The innocent creatures are walking forward without even jumping, and then Mario intervenes. His method of execution is not quick; it is a gory process which involves flattening the creature and its insides to such an extent that they literally can no longer be seen by the human eye.
Well, that’s our show. … Bye. … Um… you can go now.
Hello everybody! I’m Dallinag. This past week as been a very important week for all of us here at ScrewAttack. This week has been the week that we’ve celebrated 6 years of ScrewAttack. What a thrill. I mean, if it wasn’t for ScrewAttack, I wouldn’t be talking to you right now. So we must have a moment of brief partying.
The partying has concluded. However, by complete coincidence, this momentous occasion also happened to fall around the same time as this not as momentous occasion; it’s my 10th entry of Pixelated Ponderings! Cue the partying!
The partying has concluded. So, in honor of this, I posted a blog post asking for viewer’s choice topics. And I got a huge amount of replies! Well, three to be exact, but that’s not the point. The point is, is that I put all three suggestions in a hat and pulled out one. So, I’m proud to announce, that the chosen topic for the Pixelated Ponderings 10th Entry Viewer’s Choice Spectacular was suggested by………………………………………………my, is this pause long.………………………………………………….. Alpha Unit! And he says,
“You should write about what it means to be a "Core gamer" and a "Casual gamer". Write how they contrast and what makes them tick.”
So, that’s what I’ll do. Let’s get started.
One of the most discussed events in video game history as of late is the large influx of “casual” gamers and the games made for that audience. You know, games like the Imagine series,
the Rabbids series,
Rayman? Who's Rayman?
and games made for iOS devices like Angry Birds.
I honestly enjoy all of these games (well, not the Imagine series because I’m not a girl) but for some reason, I’m supposed to hate them. Why? Because apparently games like these are bringing the medium down and that the people who play them are not real gamers. But is this true? Are casual games and the people who play them any lesser than the hardcore variety? And more importantly, is there anything the two parties have in common?
Let’s begin by analyzing the two key words for this topic, casual and hardcore. These two words are tossed around a lot, but what do they mean? Well, according to Dictionary.com, the definition of hardcore is “unswervingly committed; uncompromising; dedicated” and the definition of casual is “irregular; occasional” So, in complete sentences, it pretty much is saying that hardcore means that a hardcore person is committed to work, or play in this case, as often as possible in order to complete the task. On the other hand, casual means that a casual person works, or plays, occasionally for brief amusement. So, speaking in accordance with the definition, being a hardcore or casual gamer should have nothing to do with the types of games you play, but rather how often you play them.
But let’s say that we were referring to the usage used by most gamers, which is probably what our friend Alpha Unit meant. Let’s explore the inner psyche of the two parties in the form of two, completely made-up people. Let’s call them Mike and Darryl. Mike is a hardcore gamer, while Darryl is a casual gamer. Now then, let’s give Mike and Darryl a game to play. How about Rayman Origins? Yeah, that’s a good choice.
Now then, upon looking at the box, Mike is probably thinking, “Oh wow! Rayman in a classic, 2D, sidescroller! And none of those stupid Rabbids in sight! Just Rayman, Globox, and the Teensies! And look at the graphics! They’re gorgeous! Oh, but it’s only 40 levels. I’ll probably beat it in a few hours. Ah well. It’s still going to be fun. I can’t wait to play!” Meanwhile, when Darryl looks at the box, he’s probably thinking, “Oh wow! A Rayman game! I liked him in those Rabbids games, I’m sure I’ll like him here! And the game looks just like a cartoon! And I can play with my friends and slap them in the face! And it’s 40 levels?!? That’s gonna take me a few days! I can’t wait to play!” You see, they like the game from their first impressions, but for different reasons. So, they’re not all that different on that account.
How about we give them another game? Let’s give them… the latest edition of Madden.
So, when Mike looks at the game, he’s probably thinking, “Ugh, Madden. I hate that series. They charge $50 every year for a friggin’ roster update. Forget that!” Meanwhile, when Darryl looks at the game, he’s probably thinking, “Ugh, Madden. I hate that series. I’m never able to understand how to play. Forget that!” As you can see, they both hate the game, but for different reasons. So again, they’re not all that different on that account.
Now I know what you’re thinking. “Dallinag, you’re such a wuss! You only showed some similarities! Show some differences! DO IT! DO IT NOW!” All right, since you’ve asked so politely (sarcasm) I’ll comply. To end off our little trip into the gamer psyche, let’s give Mike and Darryl a copy of Looney Tunes: ACME Arsenal.
Now, upon looking at the cover, Mike’s probably thinking, “Pft. This is just another crappy licensed game. No thanks.” Meanwhile, upon looking at the cover, Darryl’s probably thinking, “Wow. I can play as all of my favorite Looney Tunes! And look at all of those cool weapons! This is gonna be great!” So, as we can see, even though Darryl is due for disappointment when he actually starts playing the game, he has an open mind when it comes to games like this. And honestly, that’s something we should admire. I mean, it’s not easy to walk into a game with an open mind like that, but he and other casual gamers seem to do that a lot. So, I salute you Darryl. Oh, and by the way, be prepared to make the same jump over and over again on level 2.
So, what have we learned today? Well, I have a short summary of this entry’s thesis at the top of the post if you want a quick review of this entry. Go ahead and read it. Don’t worry, I can wait. ……………………. Sonic Boom, Sonic Boom, Sonic Boom-save the planet from disaster……………………. Ah, you’re back! Well, now that you’ve finished reviewing over this entry, I just want to give my condolences. First, I want to give thanks and wish a happy birthday to ScrewAttack, for establishing a system for me to give my opinions to you g1s. Second, I want to thank g1s Alpha Unit, Hero of Lime Dood, and –Mazer for giving their suggestions of what I should talk about. And finally, I want to thank all of you, the g1s, for viewing, commenting, and liking my posts. Without you, I would never have had the drive to continue writing and improving Pixelated Ponderings for 10 entries. So, good night, and here’s to another 10 episodes. See you next week.
Feliz Cinco De Mayo. I’m Dallinag. Sorry that this episode is a day late but I was very busy yesterday. Anyways, time for me asking stupid questions time. Let’s begin.
Question #1: What the heck is in that super suit that causes Earthworm Jim to become more intelligent?
Hero of Lime Bro: Drugs, they made tiny drugs that connect on Jim's body feeding him brain cells capable enough of understanding the things seen as if his mind were human.
They Call Me The Fizz: Well, the intelligence of Earthworm Jim is debatable but one could argue that the system used to interface with the suit increases the number of electrical signals in one's brain. That or considering the political leanings of Jim's creator, Doug TenNapel, the suit's filled with books by Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh.
JETZ.acx: Most people think that suit is made out of mechanical enhancements that allow its user to perform any human activity with relative ease; this however is just stupid. The suit itself is an entity of its own - a worm has little to no personality, as since his brain is nonexistent, literally speaking. Thus, I conclude that the suit is nothing more than an Unidentified Supernatural-Enhanced Object - in the terms of the common folk, a possessed, cyborg suit. Without a helmet.
Question #2: Explain just what the heck blast processing is.
They Call Me The Fizz: Blast Processing is a series of refinements done in the manufacturing process in order to unlock a gaming console's inner EXTREEEEEEEEEEME.
Hero of Lime Bro: Blast Processing is the power of the Sega Genesis to make games go as fast as possible on a 16-bit Console.
JETZ.acx: Blast processing is the term used to explain how the Sega Genesis supposedly is superior to Nintendo's consoles, I mean the NES had 8-bit and the Genesis had 16-bit, therefore Sega does what Nintendon't! Or that's what I heard around the streets. What people forget is that there's a thing called clocking speed, or "how much information can a CPU process in a certain amount of time." This is measured on what Physics call Hertz, but then again, we're talking about Blast Processing, and this thing doesn't have hertz, but MEGA Hertz! Compare the speed of processing of the NES (1.76 MHz) and SNES (up to 3.58 MHz) to the raw speed of the Sega Genesis (7.67 MHz). That's more than TWICE what the SNES can output! Now you can see that Blast Processing is not just a marketing ploy - it was a real thing, even during the SNES days.
Question #3: Where is the Mushroom Kingdom? Is it in another dimension? Is it Earth after the apocalypse? Where is it?
NOTE: I will not accept answers based off of the information shown in the 80s cartoon. This show is about video games. Not cartoons.
Hero of Lime Bro: The Mushroom Kingdom is actually below us. I am not kidding; every time you walk you are stepping on the Mushroom Kingdom.
They Call Me The Fizz: The Mushroom Kingdom is simply the collective hallucination brought about by the psychedelic fungi Mario ingests in order to cope with his bland career in plumbing, carpentry and animal control. This downward spiral into drug abuse was brought about when his ex-girlfriend, Pauline, placed a restraining order on him and took his pet gorilla with her when she left.
JETZ.acx: I wouldn't say that the Mushroom Kingdom ever existed, because to make a place full of mushrooms and dinosaurs with a penchant to eat-to-procreate (how does that work, don't even tell me!) sure takes a lot of guts, ma friend. But Miyamoto had to have some kind of revelation in order to create Super Mario Bros. It's Japan, anyway. As for where it's placed...I'm pretty sure it's just an alternate universe. I mean, even without taking into account everything the Western audience has established, Mushroom Kingdom must be some kind of parallel world that resides close to New York. Because ya all know, that before there was Super Mario Bros., there was Mario Bros., and that was set in New York. Maybe they were sent to our world to learn a bit of hard work instead of dealing with stomping Koopas and flying around with capes. As it turns out, as they returned to the Mushroom Kingdom, they went back to their childish antics. So my best bet? New York, alternate world.
Question #4: What the heck's a lagomorph?
Hero of Lime Bro: I...don't...know...
They Call Me The Fizz: Well... that's a bunny question... *BA-DUM-TISH*
JETZ.acx: They're rabbits. Hares, rabbits...they're in the same family. Carrot eaters. So yeah, the next time you find yourself perplexed about why Setzer summons a "Lagomorph" and this black-mage-dressing bunny pops up, now you know why. Cuz they couldn't figure out if he was a rabbit or a hare. Cuz his tail was covered. So boom, he's a lagomorph. Suck it.
Question #5: Who would bury treasure on the moon?
Hero of Lime Bro: Space Pirates from another galaxy.
They Call Me The Fizz: The same person who would consider a moldy green piece of cheese "treasure".
JETZ.acx: I can tell you this much: it requires someone who has the same amount of lust for money to hide treasure on the moon. Like, I dunno - try to get someone as greedy as Scrooge McDuck in the Duck Tales universe and there you have it. OH WAIT, THERE ISN'T. So calling it - it was SCROOGE HIMSELF. NUFF SAID!
Well, that’s our show. Good night, and remember, we’re always looking for new experts.
Good ‘morrow, I’m Dallinag. Welcome to a little series I like to call Pixelated Ponderings. Now, writing a weekly blog on a different topic each week isn’t really all that easy. I mean granted, I love entertaining you all but, this stuff is really hard work. And over time, I come up with a few ideas that, for some reason or another, I just can’t get into. And as such, these topics are put in my rusty, trusty Reject Vault to wither away for all eternity alone and unloved. But today, I’m digging into the vault. No, not to finish them. That would actually mean I care about them. No, I’m going to tell you every single topic that was rejected and why it was rejected. So let’s get started.
REJECT #1: SOPA/EA Episode
What a way to start an episode than discussing a now-dormant piece of legislature. You see, at one point, I decided to make an episode on my anger at EA’s business actions and I even hinted at it in my third episode “In Which the Smurfs Destroy Everything They Touch”. While I was writing it, it eventually evolved into a meta-complex episode attacking both SOPA and EA. However, there was one deterrent that prevented it from being released. It was to be my episode before Christmas. Naturally, I didn’t want to have my Christmas episode be a total downer, so instead I did an internet showcase episode. So, next episode, I had to make a lame excuse on why I wasn’t going to do an episode on EA making me look like a complete jerk. But on the plus side, this change of plans was able to give me the opportunity to promote Crazy Dave’s Crazy Angry Mob Supply Depot Warehouse Shack of Total Bargain Madness and Violence and because of me, they’re one of the highest-grossing retailers… in Romania. … Next reject.
REJECT #2: Ocean Marketing Episode
During the months of December, you may have remembered the Ocean Marketing fiasco. If you didn’t, read this, this, this, and this. Anyways, I decided to write a Pixelated Ponderings on it. However, while writing it, I realized I wasn’t having fun with it. So, I stopped.
REJECT #3: Pitfall Episode
At one point, I was considering making an episode detailing what exactly happened to Pitfall after realizing it pretty much fell off the face of the earth. Unfortunately, when I was doing my mandatory research, I discovered absolutely nothing. Apparently, they just… stopped. The last one came out in 2004. I’m guessing it was made irrelevant by the popularity of the Tomb Raider but that really can’t be elaborated on. So, yeah, don’t expect that.
REJECT #4: 3DS vs. PlayStation Vita Episode
By the time I came up with the idea, it wasn’t all that relevant anymore. Also, I don’t own a PSVita so I couldn’t really judge it fairly.
REJECT #5: Anymore Family Tree Episodes
I said that I would make one a month if it’s successful and I feel it wasn’t. Why? Three reasons.
1. A lot of viewers (meaning two) were confused on what the purpose was.
2. I couldn’t come up with any ideas for the next one.
3. I don’t really want to have to stick to a strict schedule with this show. I mean, it’s bad enough I have to do this weekly.
Now, I’m not saying that these will never be made. Maybe someday I will revisit these and finish them. But for now, there’s only one place where they belong. In the Reject Vault. … Bye.
Hola, I am Dallinag, and I just wanted to give the following disclaimer. Two days ago, Ferret75 wrote a blog on the exact same subject I am. I just wanted to say that this was all coincidental. You see, I write all of my blogs during the week so I am completely unaware if any blogs on the same subject will come out during the week. So, Ferret75 and all of his fans, I’m sorry for cramping your far more popular than me style. Please don’t hurt me.
On November 14, 2011, g1 HybridRain wrote a blog about the Russians taking two iPads and an Angry Birds plushie into THE DEPTHS OF OUTER SPAAAAAAACE! So, in response, yours truly said,
You know what? Angry Birds in Space would actually be a game I would buy. I mean, Pocket God did it.
So imagine my surprise when I found this a few days ago.
This trailer came out on the 16th. A week later, this trailer came out.
And exactly 2 days ago, Rovio said on their website,
“Angry Birds Space is a completely new game with innovative new gameplay, but with some of the familiar Angry Birds elements that fans already know and love -- plus some surprises!
For more information, tune in to our official announcement on March 8th at 10am EST/3pm GMT on angrybirds.com/space! The announcement is going to be out of this world, so you don’t want to miss it!
On March 22nd we will launch simultaneously in gaming, animation, retail, and publishing. Not only is this a first for us as an integrated entertainment company, but the first time this has ever been done for a mobile game!”
So, as you can tell, this is a big deal for Rovio. However, I haven’t seen anything about it on gaming websites such as this one because apparently “real gamers” are supposed to hate Angry Birds. So, here I am, talking about Angry Birds SPAAAAAAACE! So, let’s seamlessly transition to my predictions for what will be in Angry Birds SPAAAAAAACE!
Prediction #1: It will take place in SPAAAAAAACE!
Prediction #2: There’s a 50% chance the pigs won’t be the villains of the game.
Now you may be thinking, “But Dallinag, what’s Angry Birds without the pigs?” Well, think about this. Remember Angry Birds Rio? You know, the tie-in game to that really friggin’ stupid movie by the makers of Ice Age. Now then, look at this screenshot and tell me if you see anything interesting about it.
That’s right! The pigs aren’t there! Now you may say, “But Dallinag, the other Angry Birds spin-off, Angry Birds Seasons, had the pigs has the villains.” Yes, but Angry Birds Seasons took place in the same world as Angry Birds. Angry Birds Rio did not. So, by my scientific reasoning, if the game takes place in an area not native to where the pigs live, there’s a 50% that the pigs won’t be the enemies of the game.
So, then, if the pigs aren’t the enemies, who will be the enemies? My guess is that the enemies will be aliens. You know, because it’s SPAAAAAAACE!
Prediction #3: There will be zero-gravity physics.
Tell me, when you think SPAAAAAAACE!, what is the first thing you think of?
Good guess, but no. I’m not talking about aliens. Try again.
No, I am not referring to the planets, though they will probably use them as the basis for the levels.
NO! I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE STARS! I’M REFERRING TO ZERO-GRAVITY! YOU KNOW, BECAUSE SPAAAAAAACE! HAS NO GRAVITY! I EVEN SAID IT EARLIER YOU STUPID-
ONE MENTAL BREAKDOWN LATER
Anyhow, seeing as there is no gravity in SPAAAAAAACE! and Angry Birds is a puzzle game and zero-gravity provides opportunity for good puzzles, there is a good chance that Angry Birds SPAAAAAAACE! will have zero-gravity-based puzzle elements.
Prediction #4: They’ll charge another dollar for a power-up that you can only use once an hour anyways.
Because this is a Rovio game, and that’s what Rovio does.
So, that’s my predictions for what will be in Angry Birds SPAAAAAAACE! And I have no good ending again, so, go away. See you next week.
Greetings fellow g1s, and welcome to Pixelated Ponderings’ 11th Entry Not Viewer’s Choice Not Really Spectacular Spectacular! Okay, it’s just another regular entry, but hey, that’s what we have entry #20 for! So, you may ask, after last week’s big event, what’s this week’s going to be about? Well, I kinda couldn’t. There’s just nothing going on up to date that I can really talk about. So, I thought and I thought. Then, I came up with a brilliant thought! Throughout our long history of video games, we’ve had plenty of commercials, some good, and some bad. So, I decided to go to YouTube and select 10 random video game commercials and share them with you. The only rule is I won’t do anything that I know was already covered by Clip of the Week, Classic Commercials, or Hard News’ Trailer of the Week. So, let’s get started.
Commercial #1: Shaun White Snowboarding
This is a very dull commercial. I t starts out with a bunch of people stopping whatever they are doing, grabbing their snowboards that some people seem to have in their cars for some reason, and getting on Shaun White’s magical helicopter that takes them to gameplay footage. Maybe it was funny in concept, but in execution it just runs too long. Maybe if they gave it a punch line or shortened it a bit, it would be better, but how it is right now, it’s just dull.
Commercial #2: Super Mario Bros. series
Boy, I never knew Mario was popular enough to spawn its own religion. I mean, these kids are pretty much worshiping a giant copy of Super Mario Bros. 3. I’m curious about this religion. What’s the name of this religion? Is it the official religion of the Mushroom Kingdom? Is Bowser this religion’s equivalent of Satan? I need answers!
Commercial #3: Star Wars Arcade (Atari 2600)
“WOW! This game looks nowhere near as good as the arcade game!” Though I must say, this guy’s performance is awesome. I want to know who this guy is. If anyone knows the identity of this guy, tell me his name in the comments below.
Commercial #4: Cabela’s Big Game Hunter 2012
You know, this sorta reminds me of that Calvin and Hobbes strip where after being assigned to write a report on over-population, Calvin writes a story about deer hunting for humans. But here’s what bothers me. Calvin is in the first grade. What first grade class assigns kids reports on over-population? Is he in some kind of gifted class? Well, he can’t be, he gets poor grades on simple math. You know what, this has been haunting me. What if this question is the answer to mankind’s ills? What if this question answers the meaning of life? What if this question leads to extreme returns in the stock market? I have to know! I have to find out! … Oh yeah, I have a blog to do. … What was I talking about again?
Commercial #5: JetMoto 2
I’m sure this commercial would be funny if I could understand it.
Commercial #6: Sonic the Hedgehog (Tiger Electronics)
And how can we do this commercial special without touching upon the not really all that great world of Tiger Electronics? You know, the game systems for the kids that couldn’t afford actual game systems and was much better liked when it was called Game & Watch. I just love how this commercial is hyping up that now you can play (only one screen of) Sonic the Hedgehog on the go! Obviously whoever made this never heard of Game Gear.
Commercial #7: Gremlins 2: The New Batch: The Video Game
I don’t care what Stuttering Craig says, I love Gremlins 2. And this game looks pretty fun too. I just wish there was a new Gremlins game. One suited for this new generation. And yes, I know there’s that party game coming out, but that doesn’t count.
Commercial #8: Gex
Is it just me, or is anyone else reminded of the Geico mascot when they see this? I mean, they pretty much look the same.
Commercial #9: Atari Jaguar
“Why would I buy a 32-bit system for $300 when I can buy a 64-bit Jaguar system for $149?” You all know the answer.
Commercial #10: E.T. The Video Game
Okay, I can name 5 things wrong with this commercial.
1. It’s the E.T. videogame, which makes it a terrible Christmas present.
2. Apparently, E.T. is living at the Elliot residence. He was probably like, “Yeah, forget going home. I’m just going to stay here and die. Maybe I’ll get Elliot drunk with my emotion link again while I’m here.”
3. Santa’s not giving the game, E.T. is. Santa probably wasn’t going to ship the game because of its poor quality, so E.T. had him assassinated. He then put on his suit so he could deliver the games himself.
4. If E.T.’s giving the presents this year, then why are there presents already under the tree when he comes in?
5. IT’S THE E.T. VIDEOGAME! WHO WOULD WANT THAT FOR CHRISTMAS?
So, that was my retrospective on video game commercials. And since I don’t have a creative ending for this one, I’ll just end on a dance party.
Good evening. I go by the moniker of Dallinag. Welcome to the first episode of a brand new series I would like to call, Ask the Experts. Now then, what better way to start off the show than to explain its origins?
Once upon a time, I was sitting in my humble abode playing video games. When all of a sudden, a thought entered my mind. Gaming is filled with such nonsensical things that aren’t explained. What if I tried to explain them? Or even better, what if I got a bunch of people to explain them for me? What if I made a biweekly series out of this idea? And thus, Ask the Experts exited the metaphorical womb of my brain to begin life.
Now, seeing as Ask the Experts is a collaborative effort, there are ways you fellow g1s can help. Two to be exact.
1. You can help me by volunteering to answer my crazy questions. That’s kinda self-explanatory. You can offer to volunteer by sending me a private message saying you want to volunteer.
2. Even though I created this show, I can get kinda limited in my own creativity. So, you can request your own questions in the comments and I might put them in one of the episodes. Doesn’t that sound like fun?
Alright then, now that we’ve got that out of the way, it’s question time! Let’s begin experts!
Question #1: If the Cartoon Wasteland is where rejected Disney characters go, then where do rejected Looney Tunes go?
Alpha Unit: Looney Toons characters that are rejected die of butt-hole cancer.
REVULSIVE: They're donated to science. That shampoo you're using? Probably tested on a rejected Looney Tunes character.
Flapperdoodle: They go to to the Warner Hell. Where is that? Well, it's where rejected Warner Bros. characters go to live. This is where most of the human ideas for Tom and Jerry went, the trequel for Ace Ventura went, and even rejects from Mortal Kombat and Lord of the Rings. Look, if you go down there you can see rejects from the Batman movies, the next Austin Powers movie being filmed, and even the director of You've Got Mail. After I killed him.
Question #2: How exactly did Sonic get his super speed?
Maybe it's because of the blast processing.
REVULSIVE: It's all in the shoes. Have you ever seen Sonic running really fast without shoes? Of course not, because that's impossible!
Alpha Unit: He's not fast, he took drugs and we're experiencing it. (That or his shoes)
Flapperdoodle: Many people ask me this question, and I answer with this; one day, The Flash saw a hedgehog and decided to keep it as a pet. He brought it with him to his laboratory and got it accidentally doused it with electrically charged particles. Soon, he ran off. Then, the president of SEGA found one, and decided to make a game based on that character. Many people ask though, "how can someone doused with electrical particles get super speed?" to which I answer, "why do you give a crap?"
Question #3: How exactly can the Angry Birds survive being flung into large structures?
Alpha Unit: They don't.
REVULSIVE: They can't. Millions of birds are sacrificed each and every day for the good of all bird-kind. They're true heroes.
Flapperdoodle: Their heads are made of titanium. Simple.
Question #4: In the Mario series, who was the one with the bright idea to put the power-ups in floating blocks and why?
See? The box is just as confused as we are!
Flapperdoodle: It was Miyamoto himself, because one day, he just felt like f*cking over his fanbase by creating a new mechanic where item boxes float. What a sad day that was indeed...
Alpha Unit: Actually, this is true: This is an excerpt from the Super Mario Bros. manual itself:
One day the kingdom of the peaceful mushroom people was invaded by the Koopa, a tribe of turtles famous for their black magic. The quiet, peace-loving Mushroom People were turned into mere stones, bricks and even field horse-hair plants, and the Mushroom Kingdom fell into ruin.
The only one who can undo the magic spell on the Mushroom People and return them to their normal selves is the Princess Toadstool, the daughter of the Mushroom King. Unfortunately, she is presently in the hands of the great Koopa turtle king.
Mario, the hero of this story (maybe) hears about the Mushroom People's plight and sets out on a quest to free the Mushroom Princess from the evil Koopa and restore the fallen kingdom of the Mushroom People. You are Mario! It's up to you to save the Mushroom People from the black magic of the Koopa!
REVULSIVE: What Alpha said. They're made out of SOUUUULLLSSSS!
Question #5: How exactly did ordinary earthworms learn to use complex weaponry?
They don't even have thumbs.
Alpha Unit: Evolution. Your local biology class should teach this! (That or power suits)
REVULSIVE: The knowledge is given to them from the weaponry itself. It's like the electronium hat in Futurama.
Flapperdoodle: YOU DOUBT THE POWER OF THE WORMS? YOU SHOULD BE SHUNNED!
Well, that was the end of the first episode of Ask the Experts. I hope you enjoyed it and don’t be too shy to volunteer. See you in two weeks!