You know what I have an unhealthy and in many sexual ways that should not be feasible in humanities or any sentient species limited understanding of how the greater concept of existence and life itself functions? Kingdom Hearts!
I know that intro would work better in video format, but I’m too cheap, ugly, and stupid for a camera, so a written post this remains.
Ever since the first footage of Kingdom Hearts 3 was shown at E3 two years ago I have had an erection Viagra only has nightmares about, and when it was revealed at the subsequent D23 (basically E3, but only Disney) that the special attacks in the long awaited Kingdom Hearts 3 would be based on Disney park attractions I promptly loss all consciousness cause all 1.5 gallons of my blood went straight to my dick.
Like I said; nightmares.
Ever since I woke up from my 2 month hype coma my mind has been racing with the anticipation and speculation of just what rides would make it into the final game. As of now, we have: Big Thunder Mountain for another go at the Rock Titan, called Big Magic Mountain in game because Thunder is a type of magic damage you can deal, while the attacks in the footage seemed to be physical, a swinging pirate ship that’s either a reference to Pirates of the Caribbean or the Sailing Ship Columbia.
And an upgrade of the Wisdom form from 2 inspired by that Buzz Lightyear shooting gallery thing Tomorrowland’s got that my Dad makes us ride multiple times every time we’re in a Disney park cause he knows he can kick my ass at it.
But this list isn’t about me bitching about myself for other’s pity. That’s what Patreon’s for! This list is:
The Top 11 Disney Rides that need to be Special Attacks in Kingdom Hearts 3
Now, first I’d like to state for the record that narrowing down my Top 11 Disney attractions to be in THE GAME THAT SHALL RESTORE MY FAITH IN HUMANITY!!!11!!!!!!1 was like choosing which children I don’t shoot in the back as their puppy is slowly strangled in front of them. I love all the Disney rides. Except the aforementioned Buzz Lightyear one. That one can go straight to Hell. That ride made me hate the show, and the show had this!
That was in the first three rows of Google Image search, by the way. The Internet is strange, yet beautiful place, isn’t it?
That’s how much I hate that ride! But on with the Top 11, anyway. Why Top 11? Cause I marathoned a metric shit-ton of Nostalgia Critic before getting off my fat, patriotic ass to write it. Speaking of Patriotism!
11. HALL OF PRESIDENTS/GREAT MOMENTS WITH MR. LINCOLN
Of all the rumors and controversies that surround the life of Walter Elias Disney; is he frozen, is Disneyland a pentagram, was he even an artist, was he an anti-Semite (the right answers are; cremated, it’s actually a wheel, but Tom Sawyer Island and Autopia throw it off, Walt was the writer Ub Iwerks did the actual drawings, and everyone from Missouri kind of is by default), but one thing you cannot deny is that he was a goddamn patriot!
Image taken out of context.
Walt was a down home country boy from Missouri who loved and grew up on the great American legends like Davy Crocket and Pesco Bill, the literature of Mark Twain (see: Tom Sawyer Island). When Mickey Mouse first debuted, he was scrappy mischief maker that idolized Charles Lindbergh. But he was also a futurist who put his time and effort when he wasn’t busy making the childhoods of 2 generations and dozens to come after, into far off projects that those in his time call science fiction, but today we call Monorails, electric cars, cell phones, and EPCOT. That, or smoking. The man was a visionary, but also understood that we must look back and learn from the stories of history so that we may keep moving forward! That’s why when Walt’s fledgling “Imagineers” division created ROBOTS, he had the first one they ever built be one of history’s greatest minds: Abraham Goddamn Motherfucking America, Fuck Yeah! Lincoln!
Or, “Pimp Daddy L” as he was called in his time.
Okay, that’s actually a misnomer. Later entries on this list actually had “Audio-Animatronics” first, but when Mr. Lincoln was debuted at the 1964-65 New York’s World Fair (along with a bevy of other future Disney attractions) as the first Audio-Animatronic to both look and move like a real human and blew all previous models out of the water. And himself, actually. One of the Hydraulics in his head burst during his first show; now remembered as “A Recreation of the Assassination of Mr. Lincoln.” But after that insistent, Honest Abe was fixed and went on to be the toast of the Fair, along with the other Disney created exhibits. And like the rest of those exhibits he was moved to Disneyland following the fair’s end, and where he’s been a fixture ever since.
But Lincoln was actually meant to just be the beginning. Walt wanted animatronics of all the Presidents, but was constrained by time and funds to only the one. Walt never got to see his army of robot presidents come to fruition, though. Don’t smoke kids. With Disney World still under construction and now under his brother Roy’s direction it was decided that if they were just going to do Disneyland again now (Walt actually prioritized what would become EPCOT Center when it came to “The Florida Project” with what is now Magic Kingdom as a side project, but the headless chicken that was the Disney Execs board reversed the priority list after his death) they would make it the Disneyland Walt wanted originally, but could never do. New Orleans Square became Liberty Square, based on a discarded expansion plan to Main Street U.S.A., and as the new land’s e-ticket was built the Hall of Presidents
Updated with each new president elected, the show has had each sitting president since Clinton (the cool one) voice themselves. Now, I’m sure you’re all wondering, how would 42 robot men in their 40’s, and Kennedy, possibly translate into combat in Kingdom Hearts? Do that I ask, you do remember we elected Teddy Roosevelt, right?
With possible exception of Harrison and definitely Carter, every one of those men knew one or ways to make you wish for the sweet release of Death. Jackson? Sociopath. Tyler? Decorated General. Kennedy? James Bond wishes he got as much poon-tang, and venereal diseases, as him. Roosevelts? ROOSEVELT! Obama? Drones. The Bushes? Texas. Truman? Worse; Independence, Missouri. And of course, there’s Pimp Daddy L himself, whose own wrestling prowess would make Mayor Mike Haggar bow to his might. And, Hell, it’s not like the game’s Japanese origins hurt; they love Lincoln over there! Codename S.T.E.A.M’s title in its homeland is “Lincoln vs. Aliens”! The only reason this is so low is because the move would probably be so powerful it would break the game!
10. ENCHANTED TIKI ROOM
Almost every Disney song out there is so annoyingly catchy that if you start singing it in a large enough group someone will beat you over the head with a pipe wrench for getting it stuck in their head again (I carry a board with a nail in it around at conventions in case someone starts singing “Let it G- FUCK YOU DISNEY! *incoherent, violent screaming*). However, of all the songs, there are three songs that don’t cause that reaction, Winnie the Pooh, Friend Like Me, and The Tiki Tiki Tiki Room.
You can’t embed videos in the blog layout, so here’s a link
Along with Pirates and the Haunted Mansion, the Enchanted Tiki Room was the first to feature the audio animatronics; but the sing birds and crooning flowers of the Tiki Room were the first to synced directly to song and choreography, while the other two were on arranged loops. If Grim Grinning Ghosts (at least the version heard on the ride) is Ground Theme, then Tiki Tiki is like the procedural music of Good Egg Galaxy, changing with the scenery and following a plot that somehow exists. Also, it was one of the few rides at Disneyland that had AC out the gate, so that helped. Curiously, while most Disney Park stables like Jungle Cruise and Haunted Mansion are mostly the same in each park with some variation in details to make them match with the space available or country it’s in best, ETR has drastic differences with each iteration, with each subsequent version of the attraction acting as psedu-sequels to the one that came before.
From 1998 to 2011, the Tiki Room in Magic Kingdom had the subtitle, Under New Management, where original stars Jose, Michael, Pierre, and Fritz find themselves in the unfortunate position of having to call a warring Zazu and Iago said new management. Of course, the two end up bickering about what direction the show should go in and this ends up summoning a Tiki Goddess of Disaster who just wants to shut them the Hell up, because if I had to choose between listening to Gilbert Gottfried sing every day for 13 years and complete destruction of the happiest place on Earth, I’d probably go with the latter, too. The day is saved when the original stars start singing the original song again, and everyone learns “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Unfortunately for the new show, Iger took that lesson to heart and the show was changed back to the original version (the actual original recording from the 60’s) 4 years ago. I actually liked the odd couple chemistry Iago and Zazu had going on, despite Gottfried being Gottfried. Then there’s Tokyo’s.
Yes, Stitch took over. The Japanese version was originally just that; the same show, but with the lyrics translated to Japanese. Unfortunately, the many pun based lyrics in the show didn’t localize well, so in ’99 Tokyo Disney said “Fuck it! We’ll make our own Tiki Room! With Blackjack! And Hookers!”
No seriously. Just like the Flintstones, the Tiki Room got a Vegas based sequel that threw out the original four birds, and even the song! In 2008, the Disney Japan execs ran out of blow for their blackjack and hookers, so they finally came back to their senses and realized Vegas was a bad idea, and instead made the thing a Lilo and Stich ride; which, while that does make more sense (even more than what Under New Management had going on) and had the extra bonus of latching onto Japan’s fixation for Stich as a character (seriously, he has his own anime that completely ignores the movies’ story and instead imagines “what if Stich landed in southern Japan instead” for reasons), but they still didn’t bring back the song! What the Hell, Japan! You’ve could’ve at least kept an instrumental version!
But I digress, the most obvious way to implement the Tiki Room as an attack would be for Sora to a flock of tropical birds with a taste for Heartless flesh. Maybe they could work in the whole “room” aspect of the attraction by causing large Tiki totems to create a radius of attack, and any enemy unfortunate enough to get close to them finds out what the digestive track of a Polynesian deity sculpture looks like. And of course the song would have to take the place of whatever battle music’s playing. ANY battle music, field, boss, final battle; I don’t care. Yoko, I love you babe, but Latin chanting ain’t got shit on sarcastic, multi-cultural tropical birds.
Getting obvious joke out of the way early and…
I need new pants.
While the film itself is regarded today as one of Disney’s greatest disappointments and he first sign that the once sacred touch of Michael Eisner came with a very potent use-by date (leaving a stench that Disney still hasn’t figured out how to get out of the sofa), the ride that goes with it is still holds the notable title of “one of three reasons someone would actually want to go to Animal Kingdom, and I’m pretty sure one of the other’s has an extra charge on top of the $200 tickets so it’s really only two.”
While it’s a tie-in ride today, when the ride originally opened in 1998 (a full two years before the film) as Animal Kingdom’s big no-extra-charge e-Ticket it was a slightly different entity called “Countdown to Extinction.” I say only slightly because the itself actually only had one change following it’s re-branding, and that was to tone down the sound effects of the Carnotaurus chase near the end of the ride to not damage the ears of small children. This is because the ride and the film actually entered production at the same time, the large gap between them actually being attributed to the fact that DINOSAUR was a CG that was going for (and actually succeeded in some respects) photorealism, without the aid of puppets, in the ‘90’s! This is also why the plot of the ride (which was directed of Steven “currently founding at the time what would become Disney’s direct animation completion” Speilberg, indecently) is so vastly different from the eventual film.
The ride itself is an analogue man’s “Back to the Future: The Ride” with you coming to a paleontology institute that has somehow perfected time-travel in the form of special Not-Deloreans/Road Rovers with express purpose of researching Dinosaurs in their natural habitat. Never mind the implications that a bunch nut-bars that spend all their time playing in the dirt were the first to figure out how to bend to fabric of space and time to their whims, or that they could be doing some much more important things like say, kill baby Hitler. Nah, let’s go play with Dinos!
On second thought…
Anyway, this being a theme park ride, of course you’re the poor saps lucky interns/volunteers that get to take the Time Rovers for their first test run, and of course shit hits the fan. It turns out you’ve been sent back to just minutes before The Meteor that wiped out the Dinosaurs hits so you can save the last Iguanodon (for some reason), and also there’s the aforementioned Carnotaurus hunting himself down some plumb and tasty Florida tourists to be his last meal. Interesting tidbit, Carnotaurus actually replaced the T-Rex as DINOSAUR’s antagonist partway through production because the Imageneers put it in the ride because it was the newest predator dino discovered during construction, and the liked the fact that it had built in Devil horns.
As seen here. Also, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
DINOSAUR is one of the rides where it’s extremely easy to see how it would work as attack, with Sora summoning either the Carnotaurus, or (more likely) the Iguanodon that your team is supposed to save (it’s been awhile since I’ve actually ridden the ride, so I’m just going to assume the thing gets blown up with Devil-Dino up there). However, whether this happens or not depends on the Dream Eaters’ status in Kingdom Hearts 3, which already have several bitchin’ Dino breeds to choose from. If Sora’s summoning any dinos to the field when he has access to them, it will the most vicious, terrifying, enemy-devouring one he knows; SIR FLUFFYBUTTS!
“We shall devour their souls, and erase their existence from this earth. AND THEN WE CAN PLAY WITH THE FUN BUBBLES GAMES!”
8. JUNGLE CRUISE/KILIMANJARO SAFARI
Previously, I said that there are only three reasons one would subjugate themselves to Disney’s Animal Kingdom. Of those three reasons, this is the one Disney makes you pay an extra $80 bucks for. Why people do so when you can get the same shit over in Tampa for free with admittance to a park that has ticket prices that are a quarter cheaper, is beyond me.
They even have Roller Coasters! Plural! AND BEER!
Seriously, Animal Kingdom (hereunto called “Eisner’s Folly”) was built with the express purpose of putting their private zoo/brewery-turned-Home for Bitchin’ Roller Coasters competition in Tampa out of business, just as MGM Hollywood Studios was built to put down the park Mario built (seriously, Wizard was the love child of those two, why it’s taken this long to get Nintendo rides is beyond me). This is all a very circumventing and insulting way of saying Kilimanjaro Safari is yet another copy ride meant to be what Walt originally envisioned for Disneyland, in this case the infamous Jungle Cruise.
Birthplace of both Tumblr jokes, and the proud tradition of low-grade actors fresh out of acting school wishing for the sweet embrace of Death.
Originally, the Jungle Cruise was meant to house live animals, instead of the aging audio animatronics that we know today. This idea for Disneyland’s version was thrown out early in development, as even the Ringling Bros. couldn’t get Animals to perform on command all day; especially in the California heat. Plus, the ride called for hippos, and hippos tend be Hippos. That version was scraped, and they tried again with Disney World later, but by then things like PETA started to exist, and the idea of using real animals was scrapped again. Later on Eisner would use this original plan, as well as some plans for a canceled African World Showcase pavilion, as the starting ground and eventual “cover-my-ass” excuse for Animal Kingdom, with the “Cruise” being swapped out for the safari model Busch and even Six Flags (no really, there’s a fully recognized nature preserve in the middle of New Gawdamn Jersey) had been using for years. It’s a good excursion, admittedly, but I can’t get Schlitz on it, so I hate it.
Now that I’ve declared them the two worse rides in Disney park history, here’s why it needs to be in Kingdom Hearts 3. Remember what I said about the Tiki Room and DINOSAUR? Smash those ideas together, and replace the animals with the most dangerous creatures the African plains can offer; though, again, this would depend on the status of the Dream Eaters. Either way; just picture it…
7. STAR TOURS/STAR TOURS – THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES
And the award for most obvious prediction in a Kingdom Hearts list goes to… me. Yes, everyone and their mother’s second cousin three times removed on their fathers’ side via that girl who got knocked up by her cousin’s roommate’s former lover’s dentist’s second cousin twice removed on his… I forgot where the joke was going. Oh right, Kingdom Hearts is Star Wars.
Yep, that’s a Star Wars
Tetsuya Noruma himself, the big pimp daddy in charge of the series, has come out and said he is an unabashed sci-fi fan, Star Wars in particular. He even personally requested Nimoy and Hamill be the voices of Master Xehanort (who pulls more than a little visual reference from the departed legend) and Master Eraqus respectively in Birth by Sleep. As such claims the title as the one who was most pumped when Disney announced they had bought the rights to all of LucasFilms’ franchises, because Noruma has free reign over almost all of Disney’s franchises to work into Kingdom Hearts.
Remember, Deep Jungle, the Tarzan world in the original Kingdom Hearts? Noruma lost the rights to use Tarzan in any future games because Disney had a dispute with the Estate of Edgar Rice Burroughs (fun fact, Burroughs’ works are the oldest not in the public domain), and now has to pay a hefty licensing fee to them whenever they want to make reference to the film. As such, they do so as little as possible, and actually forced Noruma to remove Deep Jungle from the Chain of Memories, even though it was actually the first world to be in any functioning capacity. A similar “shared custody” exists with Episode 4.
Lucas actually had to sell Fox exclusive world-wide rights to Episode 4, meaning they control any and all licensing related to that film in particular. From a narrative stand-point, Noruma would have to introduce the greater Star Wars mythology into Kingdom Heart’s orgy pit of backstory from the start of one of the trilogies. Since starting from A New Hope means paying Fox money for something that will a minor part of the game at the end of the day (admit it, any non-Kingdom Hearts original character whose name isn’t from the main six Disney characters has fuck-all to do with the story at large), Disney probably isn’t going to let Noruma make a Star Wars world. His only other options are A) Jar-Jar, or B) sneak it in. That’s where Star Tours comes in.
Before Disney Infinity 3. Before Phineas and Ferb: Star Wars (no really). Before Episode 7 and a shit-ton of unnecessary spin-offs; there was Star Tours; Michael Eisner’s original “80’s Disney can’t do action movies apparently, so fuck it! We’ll rent out someone else’s!” idea.
The original ride is a Disneyland classic that you can still ride if one’s crazy enough to go to Eurodisney, but the rest of decent, Cheny fearing ‘MURICAN’s who don’t want to leave the country to a semester’s tuition to get a chance to fondle Mickey’s mice have to settle for The Adventure Continues. Hilariously, that name is actually meant to hide the fact that the ride is actually a prequel to the original ride, from the fan-boys known the world over for going into ‘Nam style Thousand-yard Stare if one so much as says the word.
While Star Tours: TAC is forever doomed to be another “prequel with way to much CGI” (the irony here is just the best) there is one thing it has going for it, and that’s the randomness of the ride. Divided into four sections, each with multiple videos that play at random, the ride has 54 different combinations to go through. It’s that aspect that could make Star Tour’s appearance as an attack interesting.
Think about those hour long summoning sequences in Final Fantasy 8 (for those who never played 8, let’s just say I know a guy whose still waiting for Ramuh to appear) and while they were tedious as Hell there, Sora could have an ultra-cinematic attack that brings that back, but with a Sci-fi twist. Say Sora starts out by taking the move by either zapping the battle to space and high-jacking a waiting Starspeeder 1000, or cause a Starspeeder 1000 to crash to the world’s surface. Either way, he gets in and rams into the heartless, sending them to one of three locations, and so on in a manner similar to the ride totally 54 variations of the attack. What variation plays depends on, let’s say random button inputs; square equals one option, triangle another, and X the last. Just don’t press circle. Circle is always cancel in Squenix games, for reasons.
6. TEST TRACK
EPCOT: Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow. The original redundant-sci-fi-name-because-the-acronym-needed-to-buy-a-vowel, and original “What were they thinking?” joke of the Disney family. For years, Walt’s mishandle post-mortem magnum opus sat in Florida, a DIO style forced fusion of two disparate ideas stripped of the true imagination and drive of their creator and slapped together in the laziest and hap-hazard way one could assemble a still functioning theme park: by being a corporate whore. Much like Disneyland in its infancy, all the rides and attractions were sponsored and funded by corporations, sometimes multiple for one pavilion, like Innoventions, or just the country itself in the case of Morocco. While Disney’s continued campaign of complete global saturation has lent them the funds to lessen the outside sponsorship in EPCOT to a degree, or at least get culturally appropriate ones for each of the countries, it’s still much more prevalent in EPCOT than any other park. Case in point: Test Track, Presented by Chevrolet
Sponsored in part by tax-payer bail-out cash.
In an example of dramatic irony so beautifully hilarious that has to be Kevorkianesque joke by reality itself; you have been “gifted” with the opportunity to be a living test dummy in the Chevy labs next line of cars; in a hopeless attempt to make GM cars fit for human use. But enough jokes I stole from John Oliver, here’s one I stole from Some Jerk with a Camera. Test Track opened in ‘90’s as EPCOT’s first thrill ride since Body Wars was shuttered, and while its prerequisite educational value is tacked on at best and a lie at worst (see previous jokes) WOOO! GOING 65 MILES AN HOUR WITH THE TOP DOWN! FUCK YOU BRAIN CELLS!
Please don’t sue
However, before you get to the famous hairpin turn you have to under some extremely neutered inclimate weather testing; including icy roads, “scorching” heat, a thunder storm, and probably a forth thing I’m forgetting because it’s not the WOOO! But screw it, it probably wouldn’t fit with my idea anyway. These aspects of the ride can be integrated into the attack by making it cycle threw and applying the three respective elements of magic, doing different kinds of magic damage at each stage. The attack itself sees Sora summoning a test car that can running bitches over in it.
5. JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH
You know what’s fucking awesome? Tokyo DisneySea.
Featuring Salvador Dali’s The Little Mermaid
Unlike most Disney parks and what common sense will tell you, DisneySea and its partner, Tokyo Disneyland, aren’t actually owned by the Disney Corporation. Instead, due to Japanese laws that require such a large amount of Japan’s, and Tokyo’s in particular, very finite land be owned/developed by a Japanese company, the parks are actually owned by The Oriental Land Company with the Disney license being rented to the parks each year. DisneySea was ostensibly built to a bigger Downtown Disney, a park for adults, but with a nautical theme throughout, but that’s mostly an excuse to not use Disney properties in a Disney park. Seriously, aside Little Mermaid’s easily re-theme-able “Mermaid Lagoon” (seen above) and the “Arabian Coast” (Aladdin, but with heavy use of The Adventures of Sinbad) “ports of call,” the park is largely Disney free. Any Disney rides are largely only being the occasional attraction copied from the American parks; a Genie-centric take on Tomorrowland’s “Stich’s Great Escape” being the exception, and the rest being based on public domain versions of classic tales (see Sinbad). This is all in case that if Disney gets pissed with TOLC someday and pulls their license, Sea at least still have some rides they can keep open.
This is most blatant in “Mysterious Island,” a section based on the works Jules Verne that uses the forgotten 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (and a copy of the lost Disneyland ride of the same name) as its excuse to exist in a Disney park. Should the license go, this area is the one that would need the least changing, and it’s here we find the ride in question: “Journey to the Center of the Earth.”
The ride is what one would expect to happen if one told the nation responsible for Evangelion and Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure to make a roller coaster with the same tech as Test Track based on one of the surrealist stories in the English language (seriously, read the book, Verne comes up with some pretty weird landscapes). Like most Disney rides, it starts out as a simple dark ride, going at a leisurely pace and taking you passed Audio-Animatronic dioramas of a crystal caverns and mushroom jungles. The music that plays is even by the same guy who wrote “Grim Grinning Ghosts.” It’s a neat, simple ride that shows you what it would be like to travel through an Anime Disney Animated Studios film (side note, how has that not happened already?). Then an earthquake happens and run into THIS!
That is fucking terrifying and I want to summon it into battle to devour my enemies! I know a bunch of these attacks have revolved around Sora just riding around on some big animal/car, but look at THAT! The Dream Eaters are cute and all, and a motherfucking Carnotaurus is still a motherfucking Carnotaurus, but when I want to strike fear into the hearts of monsters and mortals alike, I know what I want to ride into battle! I want them to stare directly into the face of death, and know with absolute certainty that there is no escape; only the burning hatred of a cranky, prehistoric, lava-fueled, Hellish mama centipede!
THAT’S MY PURSE!
Again, anything that’s a product of the Tokyo parks sits in a weird grey-area on whether or not it’s available to Square-Enix to put into the games. But this:
Was originally a Tokyo DisneySea exclusive and they made an entire game/Shakespearian tragedy about three friends doing nothing but eating it.
“Let’s go back to EPCOT,” is a sentence you rarely ever hear, but let’s go focus on World Showcase this time; specifically the only non-‘MURICAN pavilion anybody under 21 would give a shit about: Norway. At least, used to…
God is dead, and we killed him.
Yes, it seems this once grand ride, one of the few and proud rides native to Disney World not to be tide to any existing franchise, is now getting a coat of shit colored paint that slaps Josh Gad all over the place to make it a Frozen ride. Have I mentioned I hate Frozen? Cause I really fucking hate Frozen. It was what kept me and my girlfriend together for so long until I found out she enjoyed Sword Art Online. Now, to put the “Devil” in Devil’s Advocate, the art team behind the film has stated that the main influence for the film was a combination of the art from Disney’s first attempt at The Snow Queen back in the 50’s, and Maelstrom; which you can see mostly in the films sparse scenes with the trolls. Arendale even looks like a blown up Norway pavilion. But when you replace these:
Badasses, with THESE:
That’s evil stupidity on a whole other level. What was once a dark and atmospheric journey though the origins of Viking mythology, will soon be Josh Gad Presents: Norway. The only silver lining in all this disappointment is the replacement job seems to be just a new coat of paint; like what The Simpsons Ride did, only horrible. This means they won’t getting rid of the entire reason people got on the ride in the first place. Backwards Splash Mountain.
The road is Hel is actually a river.
Though it’s was criticized as just a shorter version of Pirates, but with Vikings, Maelstrom was one of the first rides at Disney World to go backwards. In the dark no less. That’s where Sora will get the actual attack from. We already have the “Pirate Ship” attack, so much like Maelstroms relationship with Pirates, the attack will most likely be a less cinematic/complex version of it, with a twist. Sora makes a half-pipe of water and “skates” backwards between the tops with his Keyblade under his arm, catching each Heartless on it. On the top of each arch Sora will spin around, whipping the enemies off of the blade into the air, and repeat. Damage type: Blizzard.
While Expedition Everest in Animal Kingdom did end up doing the same gimmick to greater effect (if only because finding a straight-up roller coaster in Disney is like finding a smart person in Missouri, not impossible, but still a pain in the ass); Maelstrom was the originator of this concept and I think that deserves to be honored; plus it was slow enough my Grandpa could ride it. That may sound like a detriment, but he paid for the trips, every ride we found that he could fit on meant another go I could have on Test Track. … I’m gonna miss that ride.
DAMN YOU ADEL DAZEEM! DAMN YOU AND YOUR ADMITTADELY BEAUTIFUL VOICE! ILOVED IN WICKED, BUT THAT SONG WAS SHIT! THOSE COMPOSERS HAVE EVEN DONE BETTER IN THE PAST! LET IT GO AIN’T GOT SHIT ON SPOOKY MORMON HELL DREAM!
Oh well. At least it’s just one ri-
I hate Bob Iger.
3. HAUNTED MANSION
Haunted Mansion is one of the few rides to have an iteration in every Disney resort on the planet, but each has a different twist on the old Lousiana homestead. Magic Kingdom supplants the plantation house to the upper colonies. In Tokyo it’s… a carbon copy of Florida’s; one of a view times Tokyo actually made the least changes. Paris puts the mansion in the Old West so it can change the backstory of the Mansion to make it the source of Big Thunder Mountain’s runaway mine carts, the first example of “companion rides,” a concept later used in the “Society of Explorers and Adventures” backstory that would link DisneySea’s version of the Tower of Terror, Florida’s Big Thunder, and Hong Kong’s Mystic Manor; their version of the Haunted Mansion. Hong Kong also has a monkey. His name is Albert.
You’d think Japan would add the superfluous mascot character, but no; Hong Kong.
Everyone in the world knows what the Haunted Mansion is. I bet you’ve had the song stuck in your head since I brought it up in the Tiki Room section. It’s a Disney classic that’s been with the company since Walt first envisioned an amusement venture the whole family could enjoy. Sure its been around for so long that Disney needs to use a Nightmare Before Christmas coat to get people on during the down season, but that’s only in California, where the down season traffic is mostly iiot Los Angeles teens with a Hot Topic addiction.
On an unrelated note, I own this shirt.
It’s a Disneyland classic that’s bound generations of families over their shared desired to both give Grandpa’s feet a rest, and scare the shit out of the pre-requisite pansy of the family who just came along for the Ricky, Nickey, Dickey, and Dawn merchandise. Yes, I do hate myself for the fact that I got that right without having to look up how it goes before hand. The only real question is; how the Hell do you make an attack out of one of the slowest rides in the Disney family?
Every other attraction before was either a thrill ride, or featured one of the most dangerous creatures to ever exist on this earth (or both, in the case of the Hall of Presidents). The Haunted Mansion is an atmospheric dark ride that walks you through an undead dinner party. That’s where the other versions come in. Paris is a mining baron’s mansion; ghosts with dynamite sounds pretty bitchin. Tokyo and Orlando have sprits from the American Revolution, California from the Civil War; Ghost Army is even more bitchin! Mystic Manor is an old adventure’s estate with connections to another pissed off Tiki God with powers comparable to, but in no way connected to because TOLC didn’t want to have to also pay royalties to CBS, The Twilight Zone. Who knows what kind of things haunt the grounds of a man haunted by such ordeals? Plus, he has a monkey! I don’t have anything, but I’m sure with 4 different versions to pull from, plus whatever plans Shanghai may have for their version, Noruma can come up with something!
And if not, there’s always these guys.
Before the original Kingdom Hearts asked the question, “What if all the Disney villains all teamed up to just wreck shit, only to be defeated in the most embarrassing way possible?” there was Fantasmic! A night time show plopped onto Tom Sawyer Island while also asking “What if they did it, ON BOATS!”
Play for full effect
The show was originally brought to Disneyland in 1992 to give the original its own version of EPCOT’s disproportionally popular IllumiNations water and fireworks show, and to make people give a shit about Tom Sawyer Island again. With a giant Kaa, a pirate battle between Captain Hook and Peter Pan on the Sailing Ship Columbia, the trippiness of Pink Elephants brought to its logical extreme, and 1-2-3 boss rush of Mickey vs. Ursula, Chernabog, and a robot Dragon-Maleficent (named Murphy), ending with the Disney characters having a party on the Mark Twain Riverboat. Yeah, they really put Tom Sawyer Island to work. Not so much in the Florida version.
You’ll need this for comparison latter.
While California had a big rock already sitting there they could use as a stage, Disney World, in an effort to get people to stay late in MGM back in ’98, had to make the Hollywood Hills Amphitheatre from scratch, and extended the show a whole five minutes to make up for the cost difference. Said extension though, came in the way only Michael Eisner could once people started to clue in that he had no idea what he was doing; padding! The giant Kaa and King Louie segment is swapped for just a lightshow cued to circle of life, the pirate battle is swapped for a badly abridged version of Pocahantes (because, believe it or not, that movie was actually relevant in 1998!) Ursula’s fight is shumsed with Chernabog’s and file footage of every Disney villain laughing, Jafar is a giant snake, and then Mickey fights a Broadway puppet version of Dragon-Maleficent by showboating at. Speaking of showboat; here’s Steamboat Willie.
That’s Florida’s finale, and while I appreciate the reference to Mickey’s roots being more direct, that is not what Steamboat Willie should look like in 3D. This is.
That’s why I love Kingdom Hearts. Somehow, even in PS2 graphics everyone and everything looks exactly like they did in their respective films (Port Royal, notwithstanding). So of course, this big spectacle of all things Disney that acts as a climax to a stay at the Happiest Place on Earth™ should also be referenced. How so? As Sora’s Final Limit.
After all the grinding, all the mini-games, most of the bosses, I want Sora, as his ultimate regular attack, not even a spell this is a combo finisher; I want Sora to summon Mark Twain’s Riverboat, or even the proper version of Steamboat Willie, and just go to town! Running bitches over in a boat, water cannons are being fired off the sides, fireworks are shooting out the rear, you snake around the battlefield just decimating everything with the power of friendship and LAZERBEAMS!
This, but more pimpin’.
But that’s just a combo finisher. There’s one more ride, and only one ride, that has the distinction and legacy required to be the final attack in the final battle. When all the chips are down and it seems like Xehanort may actually win and cover the world in darkness THAT will be what Sora pulls from his ass to save the day! That ride is….
Oh, and Tokyo also has one. It’s a combo of the other two in DisneySea. What were we talking about? Alright, the number 1 ride that should be in Kingdom Hearts 3 is….
1. IT’S A SMALL WORLD
WAIT! WAITWAITWAITWAITWAITWAITWAIT! Wait. I can explain. Just let me tell you how I think the final moments will go down
Evening-Xehanort’s Keyblade Castle that Never Was (a Castle that Never Was made out of the Keyblades in the Graveyard) – Interior
Sora, Donald, Goofy, and the Lingering Sentiment (LS) have just beaten Xehanort’s first form, he lies opposite of them in the room, face down. They are visibly exhausted, but the LS rushes forward to deal the final blow. As it approaches, Xehanort’s eyes flash open and sudden blast of darkness crashes into the LS that sends it crashing through the door to the previous room
Kairi, Riku, Mickey, and Lea are in the previous room fighting Saix, winning, when the LS comes crashing through and lands on Riku.
Riku moans in pain with the heavy armor on top of him. Saix, Kairi, and Mickey look back through the hole LS made on entry and see Xehanort radiating in darkness. Two huge, black wings sprout out his back and shifts into his second form (TBD), laughing manically as it happens He sends out another, larger blast.
Drown in DARKNESS!
The trio are sent flying back as well. Donald and Goofy land on top of Mickey and Kairi, knocking them into Lea, who falls onto Riku and LS. Sora slams down right in front of them.
Cue maniacal laugh. A half beaten Saix half-heartedly joins his master.
Behold! A mere fraction of the power the X-blade has given me. It’s a shame Vanitas had to learn the extent of his usefulness the hard way, but so it goes. Now, I am DARKNESS ITSELF!
More evil laugh. Xehanort charges his final attack.
Ugh… and he smells like it to.
Welp. We’re about to die. So much for all this
No, I refuse too…
Mickey passes out.
Goofy and Donald
Sora! Get up!
Kairi struggles to get out of the pile, but falls back down from exhaustion. She reaches toward Sora.
Sora please! Get up! This can’t be the end! It can’t be!
You can stop trying.
Standing on top of the stairs is a broken and betrayed Vanitas, holding himself up by his old Keyblade.
One good thing I got from Mr. Sunshine there. I’m really hard to kill. *cough* But looks like this is the end.
Vanitas begins hobbling over near the pile. He stands next to it.
Vanitas (to Kairi)
There’s no sense getting up now, princess. No matter what you do, this will all end the same.
How could you say that!? You’re supposed to be Sora too! How can you just give up like that?!
Ha! Just look at my dear apprentice! Finally, accepting his place in the world!
You were right old man! I see that now. We are all just small people. In a small world…
A quick close up of Vanitas with his head down. He smirks.
Sora begins to slowly move and pick himself up. He appears to be singing to himself. It starts out low, and it starts to grow. Music starts.
It’s a world of laughter,
He staggers, but quickly regains his footing. He is now on both feet.
A world of tears.
What is he doing?
It’s a world of hope, and a world of fear.
Sora is now standing triumphantly.
There’s so much that we share…
Vanitas walks up next to his other half, and stands with him.
That it’s time we’re aware.
Sora and Vanitas
It’s a small world after all!
A faint glow of light begins to radiate. The rest begin to get up as well.
It’s a small world after all!
The glow grows.
Mickey, Donald, and Goofy
It’s a small world after all!
The glow grows.
It’s a small world after all!
The glow grows, but begins to dissipate. The group (and Xehanort and Saix) look back at Lea and the LS. The LS looks down at Lea.
Oh no. I’m not singing.
You wanna live or what?
Lea (as hammy as Flynn can do it)
Oh fine. It’s a small, SMALL, WORLD!
A flash light blinds Xehanort, Saix, and the player that blasts out the windows to the battle of all the characters Sora and crew have met on their journeys fighting and endless swarm of Heartless, Nobodies, and Nightmares. Everyone stops for a second, but then they hear the call and fight back greater than ever. Key change
The Hollow Bastion Restoration Committee
There is just one moon and one golden sun!
Genie flies by with Aladdin and Carpet, carpet bombing the enemies.
Genie and Aladdin
And a smile means friendship to everyone!
Luxord (but his human name), and Scrooge McDuck
Though the Mountains divide
They are gentlemanly beating back some enemies on the Black Pearl.
Jack Sparrow and Peter Pan
And the oceans are wide
The two are actually aiming a cannon. With Gilgamesh in it.
It’s a small world after all!
Jack Skellington and the other six princesses
It’s a small world after all!
Takes out a battalion of Nobodies
Hercules, Auron, Zack, and Minwu
It’s a small world after all!
Down goes a behemoth
Tidus and Laguna
It’s a small world after all!
A Neoshadow attempts to sneak up on the two, but is taken out by a surprise kick by:
It’s a small, small world!
Hey. Nice pipes