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    • Genesis vs. SNES Round 4

      6 years ago

      ROUND 4
      F-ZERO (SNES)


      F-ZERO (SNES)


      F-Zero is a racing game set in the future, and instead of wheeled vehicles, they drive hovercars in an intergalactic Grand Prix. O and these hovercars can reach speeds exceeding  500 km/h, so there’s that too.  I feel like they used km/h just to make it seem faster, as if 300mp/h wasnt high enough.  It's either that or everyone who made this game is some communist asshole who hates america and its awesome Imperial measurements .  There are 4 characters with different stats per vehicle, though It's incredibly annoying that stats aren't shown when you move over the vehicle.  You have to press the button to select the vehicle to see its stats, then press B and go to another and select it again to compare, I can never remember which stats go to which. Who cares, if you play as anyone other than Captain Falcon then you suck.

      The game has a pretty standard racing setup with laps and tight turns, but also throws in hazards, like ice, magnets, landmines etc to fuck you up. Of course like all video games, no computer player is ever affected by these hazards, just you. There are also some boost strips and  jump ramps, which help mix things up (which the computer always gets spot on). You get a little life bar, which can be refilled on “pit” strip  usually near the start of the track.

      There are no options for this game, and only two game modes (there is the records option which lets you see your times). It is always 5 laps, and you can only choose Grand Prix or Practice mode. Grand Prix mode has 3 leagues, each with 5 tracks, for a total of 15, that’s pretty damn good. However, the Practice mode only lets you play 7 out of the 15 tracks, da fuck? I guess those other 8 tracks you don’t need to practice on…….and 5 of the 7 are the first 5 tracks.  Those are the easiest!  I don't need to practice on those I need to practice on the hard ones.  Each lap you have to complete in a higher place than before, its gets to you have to be in 3rd place on the last lap.  There is no point to this, why not just make it so that if you finish lower than 3rd then you have to try again.  If I get 5th on the 4th lap I have to restart.  I can fucking win that, at least give me the chance.

      In addition to all the crap on the tracks to mess you up, there are about an infinite number of "stock" cars racing as well.  It is insane, they are all driven by asian women, and just go all over the place in the most irregular patterns.  I swear they were put in the game to do one thing, hit you and make you crash.  Something is wonky about how my hovercar reacts when I hit another one. If I hit it from behind I go to the left or right, but if another car hits me from behind I somehow go backwards 90 percent of the time, it makes no damn sense. I do like how the rudders on the ships are animated, it’s a small touch but it really makes the game feel polished. The sound is just pure snes greatness. It perfectly encapsulates the futuristic setting, and helps put you into this world of intergalactic hovercar races.




      Road Rash II is a racing game, except it goes Spinal Tap style and turns it up to 11. Instead of those silly cars, you race some killer motorcycles while punching your way through the competition. There are an array of weapons such as bats and chains, but nothing beats dishing out the beatings with your bare hands. Punching a driver in the face then tail swiping him into a tree is just plain awesome. The “tracks” supposedly take place all around the US, from Alaska to Vermont, but all of them are just two-lane roads that twist and turn. Essentially this game boils down everything that is America: illegal street racing, fist fights, and roads, oh and split screen. Yah baby, time for some two player racing with a side dish of smackdowns. Besides splitscreen there is also Mano a Mano, where you select your bike, weapon, and track and go one on one.

      The music in this game is classic genesis. The Genesis seems to put a “twang” sound on music tracks, which makes them sound  like Slash shreeding his guitar. Some cases it doesn’t work well, but in Road Rash II it really just goes well with game. Rock is a great accompaniment to anything where people are going fast and/or punching the hell out of each other. Don’t believe me? Go watch any movie ever.

      Anyway, as you race you collect money, and use it to purchase new bikes and what not. The high end bikes even of nitrous, so you can do a little boost for yourself if you fall off your bike and need to catch up, which happens all the time. There are cars driving on both lanes, intersections where cars drive across, rocks and trees and all manner of shit that wants to make you crash, let alone the other drivers trying to kick your ass. When you crash your bike it takes damage and you fly off, then you have to run back to it. This normally isn’t too long to run, but the game wants to fuck you up as much as it can. I once hit a vehicle at the crest of a hill and flew about 200 feet in front of my bike. It took me a full 30 seconds to run back to my bike and get on, god damn ridiculous.

      Other than being tossed a million feet from my bike, my other complaint is just the tracks themselves. They really drag on too long, they are just endless roads that take a few turns, but not like normal racing games where there are 360 degree turns. This makes it pretty boring if you get to a stretch where there are no other racers for 400 feet in both directions. When you beat all 5 tracks you get to the next “level” and the tracks are even longer, with the opponents harder. There is a fairly short password system so you don’t have to lose all the bikes when you shut the game off. It is a little disappointing that it still uses passwords, even Zelda had a save feature jesus.




      Wow, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Road Rash II annoys me because its tracks go on forever, and I always fly off my bike, which if I am at the very end of the race it can invalidate the entire past 10 minutes. The music for both is great, and everything controls fine, but F-Zero really disappoints on a couple of levels. It has no options and only one real mode, while Road Rash II has not only single player but split screen as well, as well as multiple game options.  F-Zero your stuck with the same 4 vehicles the entire time which is just lame, can't customize or nothing. . F-Zero may have more tracks and more variation between them, but nothing beats driving through America getting in fist fights and getting a chain to Simon Belmont some fools.




    • Genesis vs. SNES Round 1

      6 years ago


      DISCLAIMER: I am not a video game critic, I just take my personal experiences and prefrences when deciding who wins. Also I am not an english professor, so if you are a grammer nazi then you will have a lot to complain about. I try to write these as if I am talking to a person, run on senteces, fragments, subject-verb disagreements, its all there.


      First off, every person of mild intelligence realizes that better graphics DO NOT equal better games, so the argument that SNES is better than Genesis solely for its graphical advantage is moot (so is the argument that genesis is better than NES because of graphics). Sound is an interesting point because everyone has their own tastes of music, so it is too relative a factor to consider. But this is my list and I get to do whatever the hell I want, so if the music is a significantly better than that’s gonna be a pro, because I said so.


      Contra is about two shirtless badasses named Lance and Bill who run around in the same world as Rambo, where guns have unlimited ammo and there are a millions of bad guys to destroy. For some reason they don’t have Rambo’s ability of invincibility, instead they die in one hit (wussies). Luckily for me and other crappy players, there is the famous Konami code that gives 30 extra lives.


      Contra III the Alien Wars ups the ante of previous installments by allowing the players to carry 2 weapons and multiplying the action by a million. Unfortunately this game includes top down stages which are hugely nauseating. You’d think during these top down segments they would use a control scheme like smash tv right?  But no, instead you have to use the R and L buttons to turn your guy in a different direction. Some people may enjoy this control scheme, but I hate the way the L and R buttons feel, and as such I hate the top down segments.  There wouldn't be one negative for this game if they just didn't put in those top down stages, I would have been fine if they had kept the behind the shoulder view from the original Contra.  O you remember that Konami code right? Well too bad sissy, doesn’t work in this game, you get a max of 7 lives. And remember those two badasses Lance and Bill, well too bad again, cause instead you play as Jimbo and Sully, descendents of Lance and Bill. Should of just called them Bubba and Earl, and the story be that in between running a moonshine operation from their trailer park they patrol the Alien-American border to kill those immigrants who steal all the jobs.  For some reason Konami really likes to put in that stupid wall that has the two cannons that shoot limp-dicked cannonballs at you.  This game is a Contra game though and has some truly spectacular boss fights.  Other than the top downn stages this game is near perfect.


      Contra Hard Corps does about the same as Contra III, just minus the top down stages. The whole game is pure sidescrolling goodness. There are 4 characters to choose from, a generic dude and a chick, a freaking wereman with a minigun for an arm, and a tiny robot called Brownie.  Now that’s a name that will instill fear in your enemies and cause them to wear brown pants.  He's like a miniature Terminator with a jet pack, minus the cool shades. Also each player can carry 4 weapons at a time...............can you say 4 spread guns? Guess what, screw your 30 lives, the game has its own code for 70 extra lives. They added in a slide move, which everyone knows is one of the coolest things you can do if you carry a gun.  Just watch Transformers, say what you will but Michael Bay knows awesome. There are also branching paths, where you get to choose where to go next. There are 4 possible paths to take, with their own final boss and ending, and a bonus stage. That is 5 different endings total, and in a Contra game no less, lets see COD MW9million do that.


      Contra III is in no way a “bad” game, but Contra Hard Corps just gets rid of the stupid top down stages, and has more characters and multiple endings, simply put its just more game.



    • Genesis vs. SNES Round 5

      6 years ago





      If you don’t know, in 1991 Konami released the excellent arcade game Turtles in Time (TiT). In 1992 TiT was ported to the SNES and another game Hyperstone Heist (HH) was made for the Genesis. Both games are similar to each other, with minor differences, but I would like to note that this is a console war, and so any influence of the TiT arcade game is void. Pretend as if the arcade game never happened. I say this because everyones opinion of TiT always spends 75% of the time talking about how great the arcade game is, so I feel it creates an unnecessary bias.





      Turtles in Time follows the turtles on a fight against shredder, where shredder teleports them through time and they have to fight their way back to the present through hordes of foot ninjas, mousers, roadkill rodney’s, dinosaurs, etc. There are ten stages with a boss battle at the end of each one, though 2 in the final stage. The bosses are Baxter Stockman, Bebop and Rocksteady, Krang, Leatherhead, Metalhead, Rat King, Shredder in a tank thingy, Super Shredder, and Tokka and Rahzar. 2 of the levels are bonus levels called Sewer Surfin, and Neon Night-Riders, with the latter using Mode 7 graphics making it look like a F-Zero track. In addition to the 1 and 2 player game modes, it includes a Time Trial mode and a Versus mode. The Versus mode is really stupid, just go play TMNT Tournament Fighters if you want to beat the crap outta each other.



      TiT has over twice the colors on-screen than HH, and shows off the Mode 7 effects. However TiT lacks a good amount of animations, the running is kinda weird looking but this doesn’t really affect gameplay. To run you have to walk for a little bit then the turtle starts running, but you can change the options so that you just have to double-tap in the direction you want to run. TiT uses all digital instruments for its music, but it is well done, although some music and sound effects have a little too much reverb. It’s like when you turn your speakers up all the way to max, the sound sometimes gets a little distorted. When an enemy explodes it sounds quite muffled, and barely noticeable, but since the sound effects are quiter, the music is louder, and I especially like the train level’s music, really gets you pumped.



      As stated before, you fight through various time periods, including the future, and face many different enemies, including a prehistoric turtle boss Slash. A big plus is the ability to throw enemy foot soldiers at the screen, which is utilized in the Shredder Battletank fight. The fight is pretty good, but Shredder covers half the screen which is slightly annoying, and I can’t help like feel I am playing the boss battle in Battletoads where you throw rocks at the screen.



      Now the game is a fantastic beat-em up, and each turtle has unique characteristics, like Donatello walks the slowest but has the longest reach. If you press the jump and attack button you will do a power attack which does more damage but takes some life away. There are also 4 different jump attacks, kinda overkill but whatever. If you run and press jump you will do a flip or if you press the attack button you will shoulder charge. If you attack during the flip you’ll do a cool slide attack, it’s probably one of my favorite things to do. Though this is where the double tapping D-pad run gets annoying, it is a little awkward and doesn’t always work, maybe I just have bitch hands, I don’t know. The game itself is pretty easy, but the bosses and enemies do more damage than in HH, so it helps to compare the challenge, though it is a little cheap. Also, enemies acquire different weapons during the game, like the blue ninjas get tuning forks and battle axes, while the orange get a weird discus thing, and green guys get fire arrows, etc. In HH the enemies all have the same weapons the whole time.






      Everytime anyone mentions HH, I always hear this “it’s a clone of TiT, just not as good”. Well I find that to be an unfair representation. Yes it does share some levels with TiT, as well as enemies and the exact same combat system (with one minor difference). But I feel that it would be like saying TiT is a clone of TMNT II The Arcade Game, just with enhanced graphics and more enemies. Since it shares technodrome levels, bosses, enemies, etc. Now the arcade game came out in 1991, but HH hit Genesis on August 12 1992, while TiT hit SNES on August 15 1992, which I find odd, I always thought HH was a game that SEGA wanted to have on its console after it saw how awesome SNES TiT was, but I guess they made them at the same time.



      HH uses digital and analog instruments for its music, which was a good choice seeing how it can’t fully emulate a digital soundtrack as well as SNES. The end result sounds just as good, though the music plays faster and sounds a little different. Neither gets points over the other for music, because I really like both games music. It is like a remix of a song, you like the old one, but the remix is just as good. HH sound effects are noticeably louder, though the voices are more raspy sounding, if that makes any sense. In HH to go with the fact that the music has a faster tempo, the game itself is actually faster, idk if it’s because of the run button or what, but I just feel that my turtle attacks and moves faster.


      Everything combat wise is exactly the same as TiT, except one difference, Run is assigned to a button. This makes running extremely easy, and helps you deal with enemies on multiple sides, you hit one and run to the other and slide into him and run back and finish the first guy. It makes the combat more fluid for me, though I have heard some people say that having a run button annoys them, they must be insane or something. There are more standing and fighting animations, more backgrounds, and less flickering. The AI is also tougher. Not in that they hit harder like in TiT, but they always are adept at getting behind you, and gang-banging you. This is helped by the run button, but it also provides a more genuine challenge, while not feeling cheap because you got hit 4 times and died. There are only 5 levels in HH, compared to TiT 10, but HH levels are significantly longer, and have about 2-3 sections per level, so I find it comparable to TiT number of levels.


      The game has only 6 bosses, but you fight 3 of them twice. The 4th level is called the gauntlet, and you fight reskined versions of the first 3 bosses, plus Baxter Stockman in his human form. I am a little disappointed the bosses are just reskins, I wish they woulda added in 3 more unique bosses. The bosses are Leatherhead, Rocksteady, Tatsu, Baxter Stockman, Krang, and Super Shredder. It is important to note that this is the only game in which doesn’t have Bebop, he never shows up. A good amount of people complain about this as they are attached to the cartoon show or something like that. Unfortunately I was born in 1990, and never saw the cartoon till a few years ago, as such I only liked the turtles because of their games on SNES and Genesis, so no Bebop means nothing to me.



      One complaint I always hear is that HH level progression doesn’t make sense. The first level ends in the sewers, then suddenly your surfing, find a ghost ship, go to a cave, find shredder’s fortress, find a secret entrance to another cave leading to the technodrome. The only part that doesn’t make much sense is the sewer, to the ship, to the cave. Now remember Shredder has the hyperstone and challenges the Turtles to come get him, so obviously these levels are set up as the turtles hunt down shredder. So they exit the sewer into the river or lake or whatever, and go surfin and catch this ship which obviously doesn’t belong in 1992, must be shredder’s obviously. Then in the background of the ship level, you can see the ship pull into a rocky island, where you jump off and are in a cave. This cave leads outside to the ninja fortress, etc. It makes sense to me that way but whatever. If you are going to say the story and levels don’t make sense, then you can’t say TiT’s does. So your transported back in time, and for some reason there are foot soldiers in every time period, and whenever you beat a boss you somehow warp through time. Yah makes way more sense. I am only pointing out that I gave neither game a point for its level progression or story.


      Anyways, the game ends with the exact same boss battle against Super Shredder, except this time his blue ray doesn’t freeze you. Now it is worthwhile to note that the endings are almost the same, and both play an instrumental version of the “Pizza Power” song from the TiT arcade game. In TiT however after the credits do a roll call of every turtle character and bad guy, and it’s like reliving the games great moments, it is a nice feature.





      This is nigh impossible to decide. I can talk about faster gameplay, more animations, Mode 7, more bosses, longer or more levels, etc till im blue in the face. What it all comes down to is which one I have more fun playing. Now I am partial to HH because it was the one I played when I was little, but I feel I have a bias since I never played TiT when I was little. So I was talking about how hard this was to decide when my buddy said, “dude I loved TiT, isn’t HH just a straight copy with worse graphics?” Right then I found the perfect person to decide, so we sat down and played both games to their end, watched each ending and intro video. I said not a single thing about which I preferred or what is different between the two the whole time. When we finished I asked him which he thought was better.

      This is what he said: “Well TiT definitely has more levels, and a greater variety of enemies, but there were sometime where I literally never touched the D-pad and just pressed attack because it felt monotonous. I like the music better on TiT though, but the bosses feel a little cheap, they hit so damn hard. The running in HH is excellent and I didn’t find myself becoming bored. The repeated bosses were annoying, and the turtles voices are weird. In the end though I just had a lot more fun playing HH, I never got bored and I always felt like I was kicking ass, I just enjoyed playing it the whole time. I gotta say that the extra 2 modes on TiT seemed nice, but they just feel tacked on, the versus is silly, theres already a point system to show who is the best, and the time trial just makes no sense in a beat-em up, it’s not a racing game for god sakes. The throwing enemies at the screen is cool at first, but it really wore down the entertainment factor when you just did it all the time, it became kinda lame, like in the Star Wars prequels where you can’t go 5 seconds without seeing a lightsaber, too much of one thing isn’t always good.”

      Well I am happy he felt that way, because I feel the same. This by no way means TiT is bad, it is excellent, but HH is just faster and funner, even with a lacking of bosses and enemy types.







    • Genesis vs. SNES Round 2

      6 years ago


      I know what you’re thinking, what the hell Moonwalker isn’t an RPG how can you possibly compare it to Earthbound. Well here’s what I say to that: screw off, it’s my list I get to do whatever I want.




      Earthbound is a traditional RPG, where you lead around a party of 4 kids trying to defeat the evil Giygas. If you’ve ever played games like Breath of Death VII: The Beginning or Cthulhu Saves The World, then you’ll understand what Earthbound is like. Earthbound takes many RPG elements and parodies them. For instance when you defeat monsters instead of finding money on them, Ness’s dad deposits money into a bank account, which can then be taken out of ATM machines. Instead of swords and shields, the party uses weapons like yo-yo’s and frying pans, and you buy teddy bears that can take damage for your party (which also makes the game ridiculously easy). The character named Poo (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) can use swords though. 

      Instead of random battles it uses the same overworld screen as the “Tales” series, enemies are represented on the screen and you can avoid them if necessary. Except for the fact that Ness and co. are about the slowest moving kids I have ever seen, you will never outrun anything, ever. This is totally contradictory to the well known fact that kids are insane little monsters who run 30 MPH while laughing hysterically. Instead of having little town icons that when you walk into them you “enter” the town, the overworld is completely seamless, where the town is part of the overworld map.

      Now let’s get into the combat, it is retarded. The combat is turn-based which I like but it is just a screen with a menu for your attacks, and a little picture of the enemies, you don’t even get to see your characters. When you attack, instead of doing a little slash or anything like even the 8-bit final fantasy does, the enemy just blicks a few times and the damage is done. This is on the freacking SUPER Nintendo. You know “NOW YOUR PLAYING WITH POWER! SUPER POWER!” Let’s put some perspective on this, shall we? Earthbound came out on June 5, 1995. Final Fantasy II (IV) was released on November 23 1991, Final Fantasy III (VI) was released May 11, 1995, Breath of Fire was released on August 10, 1994, Secret of Mana was released on October 3, 1993. There is no excuse for the absolute pathetic excuse for a combat system in Earthbound. There is a complete lack of animation through the entire game, it is just sad.

      Earthbound is also ridiculously easy, not only can you just buy the teddy bears to soak up any mortal hit on your party, but all the characters are just plain strong, it’s never a challenge to kill anything. The bosses require absolutely no strategy what-so-ever, just press attack attack attack attack attack attack and your done. It is just plain boring to play. O but it is funny cause it takes RPG stuff and turns them on their head. Well yes it does have some humorous qualities, but they are never actually funny, like hahahahahaha funny. It is always just a “hey I see what they did there, that’s kind of funny”. Maybe if the game came with a laugh track it might be more entertaining. Too bad the messed up the sound and almost all the music sounds awful. The laugh track would probably sound like a cat trying to cough up a fur ball.

      One thing unrelated to the game itself is that the fan base for this game is absolutely ridiculous. They live under the mantra that if you don’t like Earthbound then you obviously have no taste in video games and should just go back to playing madden 130947. Everytime there is a poll for favorite game ever, there is a ridiculous amounts of votes for Earthbound.  How can it be so popular?  It costs about 200 dollars on ebay, so unless you didn’t want to buy food for the next month then you probably don’t own it. O but theres roms where you can play the game for free right? Screw off, anyone who played it on a rom probably knows exactly what I am talking about, Earthbound sucks. When Super Smash Bros Brawl came out, everyone was saying Lucas is from Earthbound with Ness. Well guess what, he was the main character in Mother 3, and was only released in Japan on the GBA, so stfu. The only reason Earthbound is even known to most people, is because Ness was in Super Smash Brothers. Noone knew who the hell he was, so they looked it up and learned about an obscure RPG on the SNES called Earthbound. From my personal experience, Earthbound had that forbidden fruit effect. It was too expensive to get a SNES and Earthbound, so in my mind I just though it must be a great game, and everything on the internet talks about how its so great they want to suck its dick. I mean look at that character list on SSB: Samus, Mario, Luigi, Fox, Link, Donkey Kong, etc. That is a list of characters from awesome games, so Earthbound must be awesome right? Too bad Earthbound is what Jigglypuff is to Pokemon, super lame.


      Moonwalker is a sort of beat’em up/platformer where you fight bad guys using an array of Michael Jackson (MJ) dance moves and pixie dust. The story is that Mr. Big has kidnapped children and MJ has to run around and kick some bad guy ass (and rescue kids). According to MJ, all bad guys have a glaring weakness to pixie dust, which is why all his attacks throw copious amounts. Now you may say, that sounds pretty lame, but oh how wrong you are.

      Not only do you have standard attacks based on dance moves, but the health bar is used for “magic” attacks as well. One attack throws his fedora like a boomerang, which decimates all enemies in its path. The coup de grace is the special move that makes every enemy on screen dance and when done are destroyed. Nothing beats running around in the graveyard level with 15 zombies on the screen, and then suddenly you bust out the dance move. The Thriller music comes on and all the zombies and MJ do the thriller dance. You thought that was it eh? O no, sometimes when you rescue a kid, a comet comes down from the sky, if you grab it the most amazing thing ever happens. MJ turns into the Moonwalker, a giant Mecha version of MJ that fires lasers and carpet bombs the screen with missiles, while being invincible. Now all those moves are great, but there is one that beats them all. Hold down the attack button and move in the opposite direction, and MJ will moonwalk. I have spent a ton of time just seeing how long I can moonwalk through a stage, it is just pure awesome. The last level MJ gets into a space ship and you have a showdown with Mr. Big’s ship, just plain ultimate badassery.

      Even though I enjoy the ridiculous parts of the game, it does get seriously annoying. The kids are hidden in various places, like windows, doors, car trunks, and other such things. There are a ton of these hiding places throughout the levels, so if you miss one, you have to go back and check every single one till you can find the last kid. It gets even worse later when the levels don’t follow any sort of order, you just can’t remember which places you’ve checked. Next is the fact that each level you have to do 3 times, they are labeled 1-1, 1-2, 1-3, 2-1, etc. So you’ll start stage 1-1 and when you beat it 1-2 is the same stage with a few more areas and maybe a tougher enemy or so. It is quite annoying to replay a level essentially 3 times. Thankfully some levels change up the scenery and layout, but those first three levels are quite monotonous.

      Once you find all the kids in a level, Bubbles the monkey comes and sits on MJ shoulder to point to where the “boss” is, you have to find the specific area where he will show up. What is really stupid is there are no real “bosses” instead Mr. Big comes out and laughs and then you do an endurance round where it pumps the screen full of bad guys. Luckily this is a perfect situation to break into dance. While Moonwalker is absolutely ridiculous and hilarious, it does wear on you after a while, not a fantastic game but it is a very interesting one.


      Moonwalker, despite its absolutely ridiculous awesome moments, isn’t really a good game. It drags on after a while, and the lack of real bosses and “repeating” levels really lowers its entertainment value, but it mother fucking Michael Jackson, so points there. When I started writing this, I had Earthbound winning, but as I was writing all my frustrations down, I decided to go replay it for a little. It was like when I first saw Thor, I thought it was pretty good. Then I saw it again and realized just how wrong I was. Earthbound is subpar to any other RPG ever, yah it has some humor to itself and doesn’t take itself too seriously, but it doesn’t make up for the fact that it’s just a bad game. Both games are bad, with a few things that make them stand out. They are both akin to a turd with some whip cream and sprinkles.



    • Genesis vs. SNES Round 3

      6 years ago




      Kirby Super Star is a game truly deserving of its name. A lot of games on the SNES had the prefix super attached to them, in order to set them apart from other lame games that aren’t super, of course. But Kirby Super Star is a Kirby game, with 8 games in one cartridge, plus a few minigames to beat. Now the “games” themselves aren’t really that long. This helps me keep playing because the game never goes into the “rinse and repeat” cycle many older games do. It truly is like having 8 games in one.  In Kirby Super Star you play as Kirby (obviously), but when you collect powerups you spawn a little buddy minion and he can be controlled by the second player. If you play this game by yourself then maybe you should get some friends you loser. This game can only be played with 2 people, it shouldn’t even be an option to play single player.

      Kirby if you don’t know, is a little pink ball that has the power to suck enemies and obtain their powers. Each power gives Kirby a different costume and a couple of special moves. My personal favorite is Knuckle Joe, he throws punches faster than Bruce Lee, and can perform a shoryuken, which is just awesome. The characters have some funny names like Sir Kibble who is a knight type enemy, it’s just a funny sounding name. Say it out loud, you can’t help but smile. Back to gameplay, it is just pure classic Kirby, sucking up enemies, stealing their powers to use against them, while fighting off the evil that is King Dedede. It makes it even better with 2 players, but you do share the same screen which can get kinda of annoying at some times especially if one of you gets stuck. Also the partner only comes out when you get a powerup, Kirby gets rid of the powerup and it turns into the minion that is the second player. This means the second player may have a shitty power, so you have to go swallow a new enemy and swap the powerup. Sometimes I can’t decide whether to spit or swallow the enemies, the enemies come so fast I end up spitting out a great powerup as a knee-jerk reaction. There is food in the game like Max Tomatoes, if you eat one you can run up to your partner and they hug each other and like start making out and then the health gained from the food is shared.

      Hmmmmm…………I think Kirby was fed up with hiding in the closet. He is a pink dude, who sucks on enemies, spits and swallows, and has a partner that he makes love with to refill his health. Well it seems that Kirby said fuck you haters, and came out of the closet. But he didn’t just casually walk out of the closet. No that’s not cool enough for the Kirbster, he said screw your bible and blew the closet door off its hinges and never looked back. That takes some big balls man, so I gotta give points to Kirby for being probably the first openly gay video game character. Respect.


      ToeJam and Earl, like Kirby Super Star, is a game you can’t play by yourself.   Stop being a dork and get some friends, or hire a hooker and have him/her play with you (whatever your preference). ToeJam and Earl is about too funky alien rappers who crash land on earth and have to wander around finding the parts of their ship. Now I have to point out, that ToeJam has a giant gold neckchain with a big circular medal that says TJ, where Earl is a big fat guy who wears sunglasses all the time. Essentially cool has been boiled down to its most basic elements, wearing sunglasses all the time and having some pimp bling. It’s all you need to be cool rappers, I mean look at T-Pain, he must have loved this game so much he modeled his entire stage persona after it.

      When you start you get 4 options: Start Random World, Jam Out, Show Intro, and Start Fixed World. Starting a Random World, makes all the game layouts randomized, so everytime you play the levels they are different, it adds some replay value, if only a little. Don’t even play Fixed World it’s just plain lame, unless you’re a giant pussy and use a walkthrough to beat all your games. Show Intro just shows the intro video, which isn’t even interesting at all. Jam Out is pretty silly, but it’s kinda fun as well. You choose a sound track, then the music plays while you get a screen with ToeJam and Earl on it, with a background straight from Saved From The Bell. The A, B, C, and start buttons make ToeJam and Earl do different moves, so with 2 players you can just mash buttons and try to play a primitive DDR sort of thing. While your messing around making ToeJam and Earl dance, the background changes and adds or subtracts more images of ToeJam and Earl, it gets too 9 individual boxes on the screen all dancing to the beat of “Rapmaster Rocket Racket”. Yah that’s the name of the music….It is entertaining for a short while but it wears on you after a while.

      The general artstyle for the game seems to resemble Rocko’s Modern Life. ToeJam and Earl are not the exact same, so if you’re playing by yourself (loser) you should probably choose Earl. Earl moves a little slower than ToeJam, but has more life and takes less damage from enemies, and there are multiple powerups to slow enemies down and speed yourself up. So while you’re wandering around this strange planet earth, you meet many different people. Most humans are bad guys, including but not limited to lawnmower men, hula dancers, demented dentists, and Nerd Herds. Scattered around the levels are presents which are essentially items, you pick them up and they can be anything from food to speed boots to one-ups. There is also the “Total Bummer” which shocks the living shit out of you. If you’re lucky you can find Santa Claus, and if you sneak up on him he drops some presents, then flies away with his jetpack, freacking awesome. Some presents like the Rosebush will deflect enemies so you can get away. This is very annoying to me; I don’t want to run away, I want to kick some ass. What if Mario couldn’t kill anything unless he collected fire flowers, except that fire flowers only represent one fireball so you have to collect a million just to do anything? So stupid, I want to fight people not run away from them. The only real way to attack anyone is to get tomatoes or slingshots (which also shoot tomatoes), other than that you just have to run away from enemies.

      There are a few good humans that will do some useful things if you pay them money (ever heard of a favor assholes?). One such person is the opera singer who sings loudly and stuns all enemies on screen. There is a little RPG element, where uncovering the map and opening presents grants you exp, when you level up you get more life, and also a new title. The tiles are pretty funny, you start out as a Weiner and eventually make it all the way to FunkLord. The “map” system can get quite annoying. When ToeJam and Earl are close together both players share the same screen, all loot and experience is divided equally. If you stray too far away the screen switches to splitscreen, except all items and exp are tallied separately. Was going to give it points for allowing the players to split up, but it lost points for not sharing loot. ToeJam and Earl use a “life” sharing feature similar to Kirby Super Star. Instead of making out they high five each other and average their life bars. To me this is another game that is blown out of proportion on its awesomeness factor. It does have some comedic elements, and the 2 player is fun, with the random levels making sure no play session is the same. However the game definitely drags on, but luckily it’s not so long that you could fall asleep playing.


      Kirby Super Star is a really fun game packed with tons of content. Also got to throw it some serious points for its unashamed and powerful as hell openly gay main character (and his partner). ToeJam and Earl is an interesting game that utilizes a random layout for its level as well as the ability to jam with your buddy to some 16 bit tunes. I do not like the fact that most enemies have to be avoided till you get enough ammo. Give some more points for its heartwarming tale about two aspiring rappers who keep persevering despite other people constantly putting them down (and trying to kill them). Kind of makes Eminem look like a copycat, just saying. In the end though, Kirby just throws more content in your face and the 2 player mode is just insanely fun to play, while the different “games” keep things fresh throughout the experience. If you can’t tell this is my favorite Kirby game, I thought it was awesome before, and it’s still awesome now.


    • Genesis vs. SNES Round 6

      6 years ago





      Do I really need to explain Super Mario World? Eh I’ll do it anyways. You play as this altruistic plumber named Mario, on a quest to save Dinosaur Land and rescue Peach from the evil Bowser. There are seven worlds, with 72 levels, but 96 exits, cause some levels have more than one exit. O and the game saves your progress! My god how hard is it to put in a save feature, thank you Nintendo.


      Anyways, on your way to save everyone, you’ll fight a variety of enemies, but don’t worry you got some powerups to help you out. There is the Mushroom which makes you twice as big and allows you to get hit one more time. The Fire Flower lets you shoot fireballs and burn the hell outta those stupid koopas. There’s the feather which gives you a cape, which allows you to fly around a little and float. They added a new move to Marios arsenal, which is the spin jump, also known as one of the most annoying attacks in Smash Brothers.



      The game features an overworld screen just like in Super Mario Bros. 3, with levels connected to one another by a path, and beating a stage opens up the next level path. When you select a level is when you are treated to some of the smoothest platforming ever. Mario controls excellent, as he always does, the levels have great variety, and there’s Yoshi. Yup this little green dinosaur pops outta an egg and Mario rides him around. If you swallow a red turtle shell he’ll spit 3 fireballs out, kinda more like a dragon than a dinosaur. Yoshi is another of those characters that I think is hiding in the closet. He probably has lots of fun hanging out with Kirby, they just keep swallowing each other and what not. You can jump off Yoshi as well to get some more distance on your jump. It is helpful if you miss a jump, although Yoshi will die, but whatever you can always find another. I find it slightly odd there are so many eggs with the exact same dinosaur in them, like some mad scientist cloned all of them and hid them in blocks, like their own little prison cells.


      Besides Yoshi being a closet homo, I always found it weird how the hills have eyes. Im dead serious, they literally have eyes, its creepy. The eyes don’t move though, so I wonder if they have brains, or what. Maybe Bowser just punched holes in all the hills so he can skullfuck them, I mean he always kidnaps Peach but never seems to get any, gotta release the beast somehow. Also, how come Princess Peach is such a pushover, in Smash Bros. my buddy can kick my ass with her, but in Mario games she is pathetic (cept SMB 2). All she does is get kidnapped and then Mario goes through hell and back to save her and all he gets is a thanks. Hmmmmmm there must be another man……...................................................DAMN YOU LUIGI!!!!!!!!!! Of course she’d go for the taller brother, how typical, plus he cleans up the house with his vacuum. All Mario does is get everything wet with his stupid supersoaker backpack thingy.



      The game is fairly easy. There are challenging levels, but the game is fairly generous with extra lives, so even if I die a bunch (which I do) it doesn’t ever get really frustrating. The music is pretty good as well, but all the music is like the same track at different speeds, with I think a few different songs mixed in a few places, I find it odd that there isn’t more variety, but the base song is so catchy that it doesn’t matter.  Super Mario World is a prime example of what the SNES is capable of. There are tons of level with lots of variety, the controls are spot on, the powerups come at the right time, etc etc etc, I can go on but I think everyone is pretty familiar with Super Mario World so ill end here.





      There’s a new virtual reality arcade game called WildSide and unlike that piece of shit Virtual Boy, this baby puts you into a virtual world where you jump around and kick bad guy butt. There’s one problem though, kid’s are disappearing! Heady Metal, the games boss, has broken free of his scripted AI, and decides to become a pedophile and capture kids, making WildSide into his own venus fly-trap of molestation. Too bad there’s one badass kid who is too tough to beat. It’s up to him to defeat the boss and free the children. He is too rad, too tough, too cool, too awesome, and too badass, he is…….. 


      Okay I had too much fun doing that intro, anyways, Kid Chameleon (KC) is a platformer, but adds in some pimp power-ups. Each transforms him into a different character, with unique characteristics. Here’s the rundown:

      Red Stealth - A sweet samurai who wields a sword, is the second fastest, and jump the highest.

      Iron Knight – Has the most life, can climb walls, break floors, and diamond power adds one hitpoint.

      Berzerker - can charge through walls and foes.

      Maniaxe - Essentially Jason Voorhees, throws axes.

      Juggernaut - A freacking tank that shoots skulls, badass.

      MicroMax - A fly able to stick to walls and is half the size, fits in small places, but walks slowly.

      EyeClops - Can temporarily reveal hidden blocks and fire a you guessed it: an eyebeam (also costs few diamonds)

      Cyclone - spins like a tornado (gayest costume award)

      Skycutter – Rides a hoverboard, Marty McFly style, and can reverse gravity.

      Each costume has a special power, usually taking 50 diamonds to use. Diamonds are what you collect in Kid Chameleon. I don’t know why he needs diamonds, maybe hes got a lady friend back home, I mean what girl wouldn’t want to be with the coolest kid in the world. Damn hes got it all. When you lose all you hitpoints, KC turns back into his human form, which is almost certainly death unless you find a powerup quick, you can only take 2 hits, and is just plain wimpy compared to his costume alter egos.



      So lets talk about the gameplay, it is pretty good. The jumping is a little floaty, but you get used to it after the first level, and it’s helped by the no one hit kills from enemies (though being crushed or falling in lava is an insta kill). There are a total of 103 levels, but only half of them are on the “main path”. You have to reach a flag at the end of a level to proceed, but there are teleporters in some of the levels that take can take you to different levels or different parts of a same level. 103 levels is a shitton, but there is one problem, no save feature. What the hell, how can you make a game on the genesis that can’t save! Especially one that has 50 levels to beat, how dumb were these programmers. I suppose it goes with KC’s personality, cause hes so fucking cool he can beat it in one sitting, but I am nowhere near that level of coolness…….yet.

      Look how cool he is, just saying.


      This game is hard, damn hard. There is a level where this machine chases you to the right, and theres all these stupid jumps to fuck you up, I lost 2 continues on that level alone. Then on the ice level I lost my last two because I couldn’t figure out where to go and the level starts hailing and just straight murdered me, its ruthless. Another thing about jumping, you can’t jump higher than the screen, it’s like a wall, which makes sense in the world because your technically in a virtual reality room. But some levels go up and down, at least 3 screens worth, so if I can go up in those why can’t I fucking jump past the top of the screen. This problem is made even more aggravating by the “put holes in platforms at the top of the screen so you can never make the jump” bullshit that they did in TMNT on the NES.



      Other than those more frustrating moments, the game is really good, it’s fun to get the samurai costume and start down stabbing dudes link style. Also you need certain costumes to even progress through a level, so there is a lot of variety to the game. Plus most of the levels don’t really repeat themselves, it’s kinda like Sonic where there are multiple acts per level, but they have different layouts. The sound is also well done, I’m no music major, but it just really fits the game, I can’t explain it any better.


      At the end of the game you fight Heady Metal, who looks like Dhalsim from Street Fighter, except they copied the top of his head 10 times and stacked them on top of each other. It’s really freacky looking, but then his head explodes and all the kids fall outta pods, which reminds me of Aliens. Then probably one of the most hilarious credit texts shows up. “The people who gave up their lives, wives, and sanity to make this game a reality.” You gave up your wife to make a game with NO FUCKING SAVE FEATURE. Well whatever floats your boat man, I do like the little pun about making the game “a reality” you know……..cause it’s set in virtual reality…..actually it’s not that funny.







      Well Super Mario World has great controls, great levels, great layouts, good powerups, good music, and is satisfying to play. Kid Chameleon has good controls, good levels, some crazy layouts, awesome powerups, good music, and is also pretty fun to play. But as I bitched about before, it has no save feature, and its difficulty is a little off-putting. When I play Kid Chameleon I become frustrated easily, whereas when I play Super Mario World I may die 10 times, but I always want to continue playing.









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