Woodyman FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

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    • Rosetta Sam: Vol. 2

      8 months ago

      Woodyman

      Welcome g1s to the second edition of Rosetta Sam. Rosetta Sam is YOUR comprehensive guide to learning how to speak just like Sam, or just understand him. I am no expert in the language of Sam, as I do not have the necessary amount of swag, but I can at least assist you to understand this linguistics genius.

       

      Mario Party 2 After Dark

      I'll watch you jingle your ass to hell... heavy-pocketed bitch.”

      • The coins jingling in your pocket leads me to deduce you have a vast amount of wealth. I will see to your downfall.

       

      Fucking dinosaurs don't know nothing about communism man.”

      • As dinosaurs were not alive during the reign of Communism, they are not privy to the social and political constructs of that particular ideology.

       

      Fucking... refracted light and shit.”

      • Fucking rainbows.

       

      Jrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd”

      • Jared

       

      Structure your insults kid.”

      • If you have the testicular fortitude to insult me, make sure your grammar, syntax, and semantics are on par with mine, you ignorant whippersnapper.

       

      Mario Party 3 After Dark

      If your ego is large enough to reach your mouth, you'd do it too.”

      • This is a metaphor comparing your ego, to your dick... and the truth that all men want to auto-fellate themselves.

       

      I've been lucky charming all over the place.”

      • I've just used the lucky charm item in Mario Party 3 to make Jared lose all of his wealth. Fuck the 1%.

       

      Mario Party 4 After Dark

      Fucking Sared up in this bitch, winning all this shit.”

      • While we may check our friendship at the door, my temporary alliance with Jared has led to my victory.

       

      I love Woodyman.”

      • I love Woodyman

       

      TODAY THIS FRIDAY I PLAY MARIO PARTY AFTER DARK WITH A BUNCH OF ANTSY-SALLYS.”

      • I'm playing Mario Party with some people who are quite impatient.

       

      We're like the only two urrrban people...”

      • I'm surrounded by honkeys.

       

      Purpell”

      • Purple

       

      Mario Party 5 After Dark

      Bitch, bitch, moan, let's gamble.”

      • My dearest friend Chad, has a tendency to complain when playing Mario Party, then he spends his hard earned coins on games of chance.

       

      Your friendship is ova there, at the door.”

      • Bryan, you are too kind to play Mario Party After Dark. You relationships with your friends do not exist here.

       

      Sam? How Much is Shirt? - Deal of the Week

      Buy mah shirts, cause I need ta buy my puppeh new Christmas presents. Look at him he's adorable and needs a squeaky toy!”

      • As the director of merchandise for ScrewAttack, the well-being of my newly acquired dog depends on your willingness to purchase an article of clothing. Please, purchase a shirt so that my cute dog can enjoy a toy.

       

      Post-SGC Disorder | The Clip | ScrewAttack!

      You see my win? I win dat Mario Party! That's right. You drink? You wanna drink wit me? FUCK YOU! Learn to drink.”

      • I won Mario Party at SGC. Did you see that!? My victory deserves a celebration with alcoholic beverages. Partake with me!

       

      Donkey Kong Country - Throwback Thursday (Sam & Shaun)

      That was the one that mashed your butt so much.”

      • That jump is quite difficult.

       

      Jizump 'im”

      • Jump over him.

       

      Keep shi' cool, he's comin aroun”

      • Calm your tits, there is a crocodile coming.

       

      (I actually have no idea what Sam is saying at THIS timestamp. I do not believe any of the sounds he is uttering can be effectively put down on paper. I can however translate it.)

      • Watch out for crocodiles... the Riverman is telling you where to go... or something.

       

      Having Shit

      Because havin shit that other muthafuckas don't have, makes you feel better about yourself.”

      • CAPITALISM!

       

      Drunk Sam & SNES Multiplayer Games | Screwin' Around | ScrewAttack!

      I'm like the biggest proponent of drinking and driving in the world.”

      • I'm like the biggest opponent of drinking and driving in the world.

       

      How far ahead of you or me?”

      • How much further in the Mario Kart course is Nick, than me?

       

      Beivergoo

      • Ben is very good.

       

      I'm the Freudian Phallus, get ova hyuh!”

      • The Blob in Clayfighter looks like a giant dick!

       

      I am the watah, I AM IT!”

      • Water shapes its course according to the nature of the ground over which it flows; the soldier works out his victory in relation to the foe whom he is facing.

       

      With this blog, you are now proficient enough in Sam to do your own translation blogs. Go out into the world and create your own Rosetta Sam blogs.

    • Woodyman's Pokemon Flora Sky Nuzlocke - Ep. 9: Is it Desert or Dessert?

      1 year ago

      Woodyman

      In the last episode of Woodyman's Pokemon Flora Sky Nuzlocke we reached a dead end and had to backtrack all the way to the desert. Check it out here... Ep 8.

       

       

      Episode 9:  Is it Desert or Dessert?

      Before I get to the desert, I wanna share something...

       

       

      This Pokemon looks a LOT like a Fakemon from my previous Nuzlocke!

       

       

      See!?!?

       

       

      Someone remind me of this when I actually reach the route... I'm going to forget.

       

       

      Okay... now I'm on my way back to the sandy hell.

       

       

      First lemme send Smoke in to destroy EVERYBODY.

       

       

      Doesn't Nosepass' evolved form look like an older Amish or Hasidic Jewish man?

       

       

      Nevertheless... I won. Back to traveling.

       

      Whoooops! Guess I'm not catching anything in the desert. -_-

       

       

      Note to self...

       

       

      AVOID DOUBLE BATTLES IN A NUZLOCKE

       

       

      Okay... this isn't too bad.

       

       

      YAY! No one lost yet.

       

       

      Let's keep getting the hell outta this stupid desert.

       

       

      This part is really boring...

       

       

      ...and it's super dumb.

       

       

      Because I don't have Flash anymore and I can't see where the hell I am going!!!

       

       

      But in good news... I CAUGHT A BRONZOR!!!

       

       

      I never had a Bronzor... looking at it I THINK it's steel/psychic but I hafta double check.

       

       

      I was right!!! Welcome to the team BLAKMANIAC!

       

       

      Wow... this thing is a defensive powerhouse. I ALWAYS like having those on my team. I think Bronzor is gonna be pretty OP!

       

       

      Also in this boring part, I got a Red Shard.

       

       

      Let's continue!

       

       

      For a REALLY cool designed temple... it was quite frustrating and boring. That's unfortunate.

       

       

      Okay, I made it outta the temples and the desert. Time for heal up and continue.

       

       

      I don't... and your battle was so boring I didn't take any screenshots.

       

       

      New route... new Pokemon... but there are also A LOT of trainers here that I want to avoid... ummm.... PLEASE DON'T SEE ME UNTIL I CAN GET TO A CENTER!

       

       

      Okay... managed to avoid those two.

       

       

      I got stuck in a battle.... oh no, ZIMPHF RETURN!

       

       

      Good job Smoke, just brace the hit.

       

       

      WHAT THE HELL IS FRENZY PLANT AND HOW DID IT KILL!?

       

       

      NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! SMOOOOKKKEEE!!!!!!!! WWWWWHHHHHHYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!????????????

       

       

      Good job Retz... :(

       

       

      Well I finally made it to the town...

       

       

      Smoke.... I thought you were going to stay the entire time or carry the team like the last Nuzlocke... unfortunately, you were killed by a dumb egg plant tree thing.

       

       

      Bye-bye!

       

       

      I'm not feeling super confident in this team. Zimphf is practically useless and weak (no offense), ChuckZ is okay but needs leveling, and Blakmaniac doesn't know any moves that do damage. My best Pokemon is Bibarel.... this is sad.

       

       

      Before I explore the town, I decided to go back to Route P and try and catch a new friend.

       

       

      I already had a Nidoran so, gonna hafta find something else.

       

       

      I don't know what this is, but it looks REALLY cool. I WANT IT!

       

       

      I sent out Zimphf because I know Zimphf couldn't kill it...

       

       

      An oozy sea slug!? IT'S SOOOOO CUTE!!!

       

       

      Welcome to the team Clayvman the Shellos!

       

       

      Not too shabby, gonna need to do some leveling up though.

       

       

      I'm back in town and this man's name is April... I find that funny.

       

       

      Rocks, rocks, and more rocks... I guess I can't go this way yet.

       

       

      I can't get by here until I get Strength. So I'll hafta find another way... in the next episode... FRIDAY!

       

      Also since I'm behind on posting these, I'm gonna do three per week. (Monday, Wednesday, Friday) from now on!

       

       

       

    • Top 10 Most 90s Games of the 1990s

      1 year ago

      Woodyman

      You know what’s really fun? Redoing a list after getting about 75% done! That’s what happened to this list and that’s why it’s a week late. Honestly, I was about ready to give up and repost an old list from ScrewAttack, but I decided to redo it anyway.

      Why?

      Because I’m a sadist

      Actually it’s because this list was fan suggested by Andrew Livingston and I owe it to him and all of you to get it done. This list is the top 10 most stereotypical 90s games of the 1990s. What does that mean? Well these games are games that embody the 1990s and were released between 1990 and 1999. The only other stipulation is that these games have to be original concepts… not based off TV shows, toys, movies, or other products because that would be too easy.

       

      10.) Rollerblade Racer

      One thing you’ll notice about games of the 90s is that they often focus on different modes of transportation. This includes but is not limited to skateboards, scooters, and of course……. rollerblades.

      Rollerblade Racer is a game about exactly what it sounds like. This is 90s enough, but the cover of the game brings it to one of the most 90s games of the 1990s. Just look at that image above… bright colors, crazy clothes, pink and blue juxtaposed, and of course the word radical.

       

      9.) Skitchin’

      In this game you play as a rollerblader who is racing other rollerbladers. Everyone is wearing bright colors.

      In order to speed up in this game you need to hold on to various vehicles as they drive down the road. This is called Skitchen’. The game is similar to Road Rash in that you race on various courses and purchase upgrades.

      The game advertised itself as “Skatin’, Hitchin’, Bitchin’, Skitchin'”.

      Also check out that boxart.

       

      8.) Radical Rex

      Oh… the 90s are strong in this one.

      It’s about a skateboarding and fire-breathing T-Rex on a quest to save his girlfriend, Rexanne, from an evil sorcerer. Yup we’re going with skateboards, puns, dinosaurs, and radical right away.

      This game pretty much combines everything above in a mediocre game. That’s why it’s not any higher on this list.

       

      7.) Haunting Starring Polterguy

      One major fashion sense of the 1990s is a white t-shirt, jeans, and a leather jacket. You’ll probably see this fashion sense multiple times on this list. Polterguy is our first example of this trend.

      In this game Polterguy is a punk teenager who was killed in a tragic skateboarding accident. He haunts the family of the man who designed the faulty skateboard in an effort to return to the land of the living.

       

      6.) Kid Chameleon

      Kid Chameleon exemplifies two trends in the 1990s. He has the jeans, white t-shirt, and leather jacket fashion sense… and he’s trapped in a virtual world.

      This was a big part of all 90’s media and media in general. In Kid Chameleon a boy named Casey aka Kid Chameleon is trying to beat a virtual reality video game to free all the other gamers trapped in the game.

      In the game, Kid has the power to transform into different warriors to stop the out of control AI and its minions.

      Also check out this badass 90s video game intro.

       

      5.) Awesome Possum… Kicks Dr. Machino’s Butt

      Awesome Possum was a game that tried to cash in on many fads of the 1990s but failed miserably. The game was about a Possum who’s trying to stop the evil Dr. Machino.

      As mentioned before this game features many staples of the 1990s. Awesome Possum first tries to cash in on the mascot craze like Mario and Sonic, then it includes an environmental friendly message, then it includes mild swearing with the “kicks butt” line, and finally it describes itself as awesome.

      This game is anything but awesome, but it is 90s as hell.

       

      4.) Boogerman: A Pick and Flick Adventure

      As we’ve seen from the previous entry, being slightly risque was a big trend in the 90s. This included mild swearing, some gore, but most of all… gross out humor.

      This is where Boogerman comes in. Boogerman was a gross superhero. He used his boogers as weapons and burped and farted his way through various sewer/toilet themed levels.

      In addition, this game had dirty puns! Dimension X-Crement, Professor Stinkbaum, Snotty Ragsdale, and so much more.

      In this game… you can fly-fart.

       

      3.) Greendog: The Beached Surfer Dude

      Greendog was another failed mascot attempt by Sega. It’s a good thing Sonic took off otherwise Sega would be screwed.

      He is a 90s surfer dude. He only cares about surfing. He has a gyrocopter, inline skates, a skateboard, and an antique Frisbee (whatever the hell that is). He only says “dude” and “cool”. He’s sent on a quest to collect ancient Aztec artifacts which are actually just pieces of an ancient flying surfboard.

      Just like Kid Chameleon and other 90s games… apparently all this game takes place in a fictional world.

       

      2.) Parappa the Rapper


      He’s a beanie wearing dog who raps about everyday life… like pooping, driving, and selling stuff at a flea market. Yup… it’s Parappa the Rapper.

      I don’t really know what’s so 90s about this game. It could be the simple paper cut out style, the odd graphical design or fashion sense, or the absolutely terribly cheesy raps… but this is another game that’s 90s as hell.

      In this game Parappa is on a quest to impress a girl by learning Chinese, crashing his dad’s car, cooking, and having an epic rap party on stage.

       

      1.) Toejam and Earl

      If you want a game that symbolizes everything the 90s has to offer, Toejam and Earl is it. Almost everything I mentioned above is in this game.

      If you don’t already know Toejam and Earl is a series of games starring two rad aliens. These games have the rapping and fashion sense of Parappa the Rapper with Toejam rocking a Flava Flav chain and sick kicks, while Earl had brightly colored shorts and sunglasses. This game has the transportation of the 90s with Toejam and Earl both rolling around on rollerblades. The alien duo speaks in California slang that dates the game badly. Finally the game features a funky urban jazz soundtrack.

      In addition to being a game that represents the 90s, it also parodies the decade. In both the first and especially the second game human culture and the 90s if heavily made fun of. This game isn’t just a product of the 90s…. it is the 90s.

       

      You can help bring it back by supporting the Toejam and Earl Kickstarter.

    • Top 10 Kart Racing Games (That Are Not Mario Kart)

      1 year ago

      Woodyman

      The problem with counting down the very best kart racing games is that the gems are hidden in a sea of mediocrity. There are some terrible kart racers, some great kart racers, and a ton of meh.

       

       

      After the success of Mario Kart on the SNES, everyone and their mother had a kart racing game. The Muppets had one (which just missed being on this list), and so did several other franchises/characters like South Park, Woody Woodpecker, Bomberman, Toy Story, Chocobo, Chuck E Cheese, Digimon, Lego, Star Wars, Sonic, Shrek, MySims, Mickey, Mole, Cartoon Network, Nicktoons, and even M&Ms!

      Finding the best out of all these games was tough, but if you’re looking for a kart racer that isn’t Mario Kart, I recommend the following ten.

       

      10.) Mega Man Battle and Chase

      The first two entries on this list might be different for you. I picked them based on being decent kart racing games based on a game or franchise that I enjoy. If you like Toy Story or Cartoon Network more, you might want to pick those up.

      Mega Man Battle and Chase was never released in North America. Sony denied it because there were already too many kart racing games… imagine that! It was released in Japan and Europe and is unlockable on the PS2 Mega Man X Collection.

      It’s a pretty standard kart racing game except that each character has specific attacks and is also able to acquire the kart parts/weapons of defeated rivals. Still fun for any Mega Man fan.

       

      9.) Wacky Races Starring Dastardly and Muttley

      Before I continue, I just want to say that the NES version of Wacky Races is one of my favorite NES games ever made.

      I also loved the cartoon, which is why Wacky Races for the PS2 makes this list. The game features nearly all characters from the show and a lot of the show’s atmosphere. There’s an announcer, weapons, crazy tracks, and just a ton of fun.

      This game beats out Battle and Chase, because it just is a better kart racing game. The controls are tighter there are vehicle types, battle mode, boss fights, solo adventure, co-op, and a ton more. It’s a great game alone, but even better with friends.

       

       

      8.) Looney Tunes: Space Race

      If you want a sense of speed with your kart racer, then Looney Tunes: Space Race is the game for you… Mainly because you race on rockets.

      In this Looney Tunes: racer you can play as Bugs, Daffy, Wile, Sylvester, Elmer, Yosemite, Marvin, or Porky… but I’m pissed you don’t get to play as my favorite member of the Looney Tunes, Taz!

      It’s a game with tight controls, great voice acting, and just tons of fun.

       

      7.) Street Racer

      Street Racer for the SNES is very similar to Mario Kart on the SNES. Both took advantage of the Mode 7 graphics engine of the SNES, but Street Racer did it better.

      Don’t get me wrong, Mario Kart SNES is the superior game overall but for smooth Mode 7 graphics and a sense of speed, Street Racer wins.

      Besides that it’s just a fun kart racing game with various cups to compete in, zany characters, weapons, tracks, and “Rumble” and “Soccer” modes that will eat up your day.

       

      6.) Whacky Wheels

      Whacky Wheels is as close to a Mario Kart clone as you can get. The creators say they were “inspired” by Mario Kart on the SNES and wanted to bring a similar experience to home computers.

      By “similar experience” they meant almost exact clone. The game plays just like the SNES Mario Kart, but instead you play as a zoo animal.

      It’s not a bad clone, in fact it’s a fantastic one with fun racing and a battle mode.

       

      5.) Konami Krazy Racers

      It’s tough to find a great kart racing game on a handheld. It’s even tougher finding one that isn’t Mario Kart. Luckily, Konami Krazy Racers is a FANTASTIC kart racer for the Gameboy Advance.

      The game is very similar to Mario Kart on the SNES but better graphically, musically, and gameplay-wise. Plus it’s for a handheld!

      You control one of several Konami characters like Gray Fox, Vic Viper, Goemon, Takosuke, Dracula, and more through interesting tracks and with fun weapons.

       

      4.) Kirby Air Ride

      I’ve been back and forth constantly debating if Kirby Air Ride for the Gamecube is a kart racing game. You are on a star rather than a kart, and the star is self-propelled. Nevertheless, I think it counts.

      Kirby Air Ride has three modes. The first is Air Ride and is your basic racing game with weapons and powerups. The second is Top Ride and it’s similar to Air Ride but with a top-down view and simple tracks.

      The game’s best mode is City Trial. In this mode you drive around a city collecting powerups that can increase your vehicles speed, defense, jump, and much more. In the city you can find different vehicles, create legendary vehicles, and deal with random events. At the end of a certain amount of time, you compete with your friends with your powered up vehicles.

       

      3.) Jak X: Combat Racing

      Jak X is another game I wasn’t sure was a kart racer or not. Wikipedia describes it as vehicular combat, similar to Twisted Metal but there’s definitely a racing element to this game… so it counts.

      The game takes place after the third game. A series of characters from the games are tricked into a racing tournament by accidentally drinking poison from Krew. The only way they can get an antidote is by winning the race.

      The best part of this game is the gameplay. Vehicles have been a big part of the Jak series especially in the second and third game. In Jak X the tight vehicle controls, and customization make this game a ton of fun.

       

      2.) Diddy Kong Racing

      In a world of Mario Kart clones, Diddy Kong Racing is the favorite of a lot of people… it’s just not my favorite.

      Many people love Diddy Kong Racing for all the variety it offers. Diddy Kong Racing has a bunch of different ways to play. First off you can race either a plane, kart, or hovercraft with the last being the worst. Not to mention exhibition races, battle, and a BELOVED adventure mode with fun challenges and boss fights.

      People praise the game for many reasons I can’t get into here, but it is a fantastic game.

       

      1.) Crash Team Racing

      Everything Diddy Kong Racing did, Crash Team Racing did better. While Crash Team Racing doesn’t have hovercrafts and planes, it focused on fun/tight kart gameplay.

      In Crash Team Racing there’s an adventure mode, arcade mode, vs mode, and battle mode. The adventure mode was the standout option with gems, tokens, and keys you need to collect by completing various objectives and by beating bosses… yes this game has bosses too such as Ripper Roo and Papu Papu.

      This game is the best kart racing game of all time. The levels are all unique and dynamic, the characters are different, and the items/weapons are fun. My biggest complaint about Diddy Kong Racing is the items, so Crash Team Racing fixes that with various offensive and defensive items that you can SUPAH-CHARGE by collecting 10 wumpa fruit.

    • Woodyman's Pokemon Flora Sky Nuzlocke - Ep. 10: Recovering

      1 year ago

      Woodyman

      In the last episode of Woodyman's Pokemon Flora Sky Nuzlocke we reached ANOTHER damn dead end, and we lost Smoke... Check it out here... Ep 9.

       

       

      Episode 10: Recovering

       

      Well since I got stuck, I decided to backtrack and fight these trainers to level up.

       

       

      Okay? What does that have to do with me.

       

       

      He looks like Ash!!

       

       

      So I've come to the conclusion that these trainers are all athletes... training on a mountain in the rain.

       

       

      Either way they're not too tough.

       

       

      I may have been mistaken!!!

       

       

      Nevermind! Beat em all, now I'm backtracking leftward. I REALLY need someone watching this to remind me to go back to all these places I forgot about.

       

       

      I'm fighting against this weird interviewing lady and her cameraman.

       

       

      Am I on drugs?

       

       

      Shut up baby. I know it!

       

       

      Is it a little bit sad that EVERYTHING in this world revolves around Pokemon. Do the people care about anything else? GET A LIFE LOSERS!!!

       

       

      There's my interview.

       

       

      Yup.

       

       

      Okay! Team of five isn't too bad.

       

       

      Okay! I think I finally got to a place where I'm supposed to go... NEW ROUTE BABY!!!

       

       

      … no.

       

       

      Why ask if I don't get a choice? Also 6 Pokemon??? JEESUS!

       

       

      Yes I will.... because I care deeply about YOUR training.

       

       

      Time to catch a POKEMON!!!

       

       

      Wow... I really don't think I ever had a Rhyhorn before. I think they're steel type... maybe Steel/rock or steel/ground?

       

       

      Sweet! Welcome to the team!!!

       

       

      Wow... this game doesn't pull its punches. RHYHORNS ARE FUCKING DUMB!

       

       

      Welcome to the team Katawolf!

       

       

      Oh... rock/ground. I was wrong.

       

       

      That power was destroyed...

       

       

      Hmmm.... that seems like ANOTHER place to catch Pokemon! Hell yeah!

       

       

      Come on anything but a Zubat!!!

       

       

      That'll do cave... that'll do... also Sandslash is one of my Top 10 Gen 1 Pokemon of all time!!!

       

       

      Retz almost killed it, but we did it.

       

       

      Welcome to the team Ubertrance...

       

       

      Oh no....... Wally.... we'll figure out what's going on over here in the next episode... Monday!

       

       

       

    • Top 10 Retro Platformer Remakes

      1 year ago

      Woodyman

      So… I had a huge virus on my computer that destroyed all my pictures, files, documents, and so much more. Therefore, my planned list of the best explosives experts had to be delayed.

      Instead I took a quick Twitter poll for suggestions for a quick list I could write in just one weekend. The winner was the top 10 retro remakes. These are the games that are remakes of old retro games. This might be breaking the “retro rule” of this site, but the line is blurry… so let’s do it anyway.

      Also because there are SO many remakes/reboots I decided to only count platformers for this list.

       

       

      10.) Castlevania: The Adventure ReBirth

      This game has quite a history. It’s part of the ReBirth series on the Wii which also features Contra ReBirth (which is at an honorary spot on this list), and Gradius ReBirth. The game itself is a remake of Castlevania: Adventure for the Gameboy and it follows Christopher Belmont who is an ancestor of Simon Belmont from the original NES game.

      Like all Castlevania games, this one is very unforgiving. Unfortunately it also doesn’t add anything to the Castlevania formula. A good game, but just an average Castlevania game.

       

      9.) Blaster Master: Overdrive

      Blaster Master is one of my favorite games on the NES. The original game follows Jason as he dives down a hole searching for his pet frog. He instead finds a tank named S.O.P.H.I.A. that is used to hunt down radioactive mutants.

      The remake on the Nintendo Wii follows Alex as he battles mutated radioactive animals on Earth with the help of S.O.P.H.I.A. Once again. This reboot is pretty faithful to the original while improving a few things. The original game is easy to get lost without a walkthrough but the wiimake helps alleviate that.

      Unfortunately the game is lacking in two major aspects. First of all the controls, especially the controls in some of the top-down parts are absolutely atrocious. Secondly, the game is just lacking the charm of the original.

       

      8.) Castle of Illusion

      Castle of Illusion is a PSN and XBLA remake of the original Sega Genesis game.

      The plot of this game is very simple. Mickey must traverse the Castle of Illusion to save Minnie from an evil Witch that wants to steal her beauty. Common video game plot 101.

      The reason this game isn’t any higher on this list is that the remake is just so meh. The original game had terrific levels, controls, animation, music, and so much more. The remake didn’t add anything… but instead took away the good controls and fluid response.

       

      7.) Rocket Knight

      This game is not a remake but is instead technically a sequel of the original Sparkster series on the SNES and Sega Genesis.

      Rocket Knight is about an opossum with a jetpack strapped to his back and sword in his paw. The new game on PSN and XBLA is no different. In this sequel, Rocket Knight is facing off against an army of pigs, wolves, and his nemesis, Axel Gear.

      The game is quite fun and an honorable recreation of the original series. Game reviewers often criticized it for a high price point, but nowadays you can get it for real low cheap. One of the only other complaints is the mismatched difficulty. You can breeze through one section, get demolished by the next, then breeze through it again. Fans of the original series, don’t miss this game.

       

      6.) Strider

      What’s better than a ninja?

      A damn cyber ninja with robo-animals at his command!

      Strider for PC, PSN, and XBLA isn’t exactly a remake of the original Genesis game. Instead its basically a juxtaposition of all Striders from the manga to the older games, all in one game.

      I’m conflicted about this game, which is probably why it’s not any higher on this list. On one hand I adore this game for the excellent combat, the updated graphics, the bosses, and especially the sense of exploration.

      Then again, I really dislike the music and sound n this game compared to the amazing soundtrack of the original game. I also dislike the way Strider controls. I know I’m in a huge minority here, as everyone loves this Strider remake…. to me, it’s just okay.

       

      5.) Kirby Super Star Ultra/Super Mario All-Stars + Super Mario World

      So I decided to couple these two games together since they’re similar in design.

      Kirby Super Star Ultra for the Nintendo DS is a rare compilation remake. The game is an enhanced remake of Kirby Super Star for the SNES.

      The original Kirby Super Star is a fantastic game. It’s a compilation of mini-games and other Kirby-related games. The DS remake is the same as the SNES game but with superior graphics, music, FMV cutscenes, and even more games.

      Who doesn’t know about the Mario All Stars Pack? It was a SNES compilation of every NES/Famicom Super Mario Bros game. The pack included Super Mario Bros 1-3, and the Japanese version of Super Mario Bros 2 known as the Lost Levels. This pack was later rereleased to include all those games plus Super Mario World.

      All these games had updated graphics, music, and mid-game saving. It was a great deal and a ton of fun.

       

      4.) DuckTales: Remastered

      I’m a huge fan of the original DuckTales game on the NES. It’s why I traded Retro Rob from The Retro Hunters my copy of General Chaos on the Genesis for his copy of this game. That’s why I really enjoyed DuckTales: Remastered.

      The game was remade for Wii U, PSN, XBLA, and pretty much everywhere and it’s a great love letter to the original game and the cartoon. The music by Jake Kaufman is especially appealing as the soundtrack consists of updated NES tunes. The game is a nostalgic trip back in time… but it’s not perfect.

      The cutscenes in the game and it’s “story” are annoying to skip and ruin the flow of the game. They’re almost enough to ruin the fun sometimes as you play a bit watch a cutscene, then another, then play, then cutscene. Maybe you’ll get uninterrupted play time, but it’s not likely.

       

      3.) Bionic Commando Rearmed

      When I first started this list, this game was closer to the number 10 spot. Then I remembered how awesome the Bionic Commando remakes are.

      The original Bionic Commando for the NES was a hidden gem. In it you controlled a groovy looking commando who didn’t have the ability to jump, but instead had an epic grappling hook that could help him traverse the area, attack enemies, and get barrels.

      The remakes for PC, XBLA, PSN, and more do everything a proper remake should. It left the nostalgia of the original, but added so much more. Of course there’s better graphics and music, but the remake also gives you local multiplayer to team up with a friend and grapple and swing all over the place.

      The best thing the about the remake is that is had a sequel with more powers, more levels, more music, tight controls, and just a ton of fun.

       

      2.) Metroid: Zero Mission

      This is what a remake or an enhanced copy is supposed to do. It’s supposed to stay true to the original charm of the source material, but it’s supposed to improve previous faults with the original game.

      Metroid: Zero Mission is an enhanced remake of the original NES Metroid game. It was released for the GBA and did so much right. While the original Metroid game was fun, it was also frustrating. There was a clear lack of direction and unfair difficulty when just trying to explore.

      Zero Mission fixed that by streamlining the entire game. You can play through the game in a linear fashion and not get lost, or sequence break the whole thing. Besides that the game featured upgraded graphics that make the game resemble Metroid: Fusion or Super Metroid and better graphics. There are new enemies, more powerups, more areas, and it features the original game in it.

      The best thing this game added was a section where you play as a weakened Zero Suit Samus, sneaking around with only a stun pistol and your quick reflexes.

       

      1.) A Boy and His Blob

      This fantastic game for the Wii is a remake of the NES original, A Boy and His Blob: Trouble on Blobolonia. The game is a puzzle platformer and my favorite remake.

      This game takes everything about the original and makes it perfect. The NES game had a confusing layout and was unforgiving. If you made a simple mistake you wound up lost, dead, or unable to beat the game. It was some of the charm, but was also highly annoying. This wiimake is forgiving. That’s not to say the game isn’t tough. It holds your hand for the first few levels but ramps up in difficulty with precise jellybeaning. Not to mention the bonus rooms can be a truly difficult yet rewarding experience.

      The game isn’t perfect with somewhat annoying controls at times, and also occasionally Blob will do whatever the hell he wants, but it makes up for it in charm.

      The game has outstanding graphics and music that turn this from a game to a work of art. It’s serene and calm when it needs to be and hellishly tense when it needs to be. The game is just charming with cute enemies, protagonists, and an adorable tone overall.

      Plus you can hug Blob!

      YOU CAN HUG HIM!

    • Woodyman Reviews - Hard Corps: Uprising - Review a Great Game Day (RAGGD)

      1 year ago

      Woodyman

      This year for Review a Great Game Day, I decided to review. Hard Corps: Uprising for PSN and XBLA... or as it is commonly referred to among my friends, “not-Contra”.

      In actuality, Hard Corps: Uprising is a Contra game. It's the thirteenth game in the Contra series and is technically a prequel to the original Contra and the original Contra: Hard Corps.

       

      Story:

      In the year 2613, the world is ruled by an oppressive empire known as the Commonwealth led by the main antagonist, Tiberius. The Commonwealth is making other nations and their people furious with their oppressive forces. Therefore a small band of resistance fighters who are also elite soldiers have a plan to fight against the Commonwealth and destroy it.

      The resistance leader is Bahamut, who used to be a Commonwealth soldier until he saw the Commonwealth brutally murder innocent people. He is followed by Krystal whose hometown was destroyed by the Commonwealth and she wants revenge. Then there is my favorite character, Harley Daniels, a badass bike-riding soldier with a cocky attitude and a giant pompadour. There's Tiberius' adopted daughter, Sayuri, who is a katana-wielding samurai out for revenge. Finally there's Leviathan who is Bahamut's former ally in the Commonwealth army. Leviathan, Sayuri, and Harley are all DLC characters.

      These different backstories and characters all provide a different experience when you play the game. Before each level, you get to read a character specific plot. This makes you want to read every plot story from every character, and adds a ton of replayability. It's the first Contra game where I cared about the plot because each character and their motivations were interesting.

       

      Design:

      This is the most beautiful Contra game I have ever played. The visuals are bright and colorful with each environment standing out and being visually appealing from the rest. In one level you're in the desert, the next your in caves, or a city highway, or a jungle and they're all absolutely gorgeous. The enemies, the characters, and especially the bosses have fluid animation.

      The best thing visually is that the game never shows too much. You can always see enemy fire when it's coming at you and react accordingly. The deaths don't feel cheap.

       

      Also just listen to this music.

       

      Gameplay:

      If you played any run 'n gun game, and especially any Contra game then you know how this works. You dodge enemy bullets and then shoot your own bullets at enemies while running around. You run... and gun.

      Hard Corps: Uprising adds a few things to the Contra formula to make this game stand out from the rest. The game has two modes. Arcade Mode, is your typical Contra. You go through the levels in order with only a set number of lives and continues. Rising Mode, adds an upgrade shop. As you play through the game you can purchase upgrades to increase your health, add abilities, add lives, and so much more. Due to that, Rising Mode is much easier than Arcade Mode.

       

      Hard Corps: Uprising has some traditional guns and some newbies to the genre. Of course there's your typical machine gun, spread gun, and grenade launcher. However, there's also the ripple gun that shoots a field of sound waves, a homing laser, and a fireball shooting gun. In this game you can carry two guns at once and switch between them. In addition, if you pick up the same gun twice it'll increase the ability and power of the gun... the spread shot will shoot in a bigger arc and the machine gun will shoot faster.

      Also the game has several abilities each character can do. Most of these abilities you have to purchase from the upgrade shop, but each character has the ability to bounce bullets back the enemies with the press of a button.

       

      Difficulty:

      Obviously, Rising Mode is the easier mode in this game, but either way this game is tough. I played it via Xbox Live with my friend Tom aka Sgt Harvey and you can watch our frustration here in these archived playthroughs.

       

      Part 1 - http://www.twitch.tv/tomtheironman/c/2957471

      Part 2 - http://www.twitch.tv/tomtheironman/c/3016146

      Part 3 - http://www.twitch.tv/tomtheironman/c/3016154

      Part 4 - http://www.twitch.tv/tomtheironman/c/5009239

       

      If you want to see real frustration check out part 4 when we face off against the final boss of the game. This boss is ridiculous even by Contra standards. I remember one point where we beat the final boss, but I fell off the stage and we had to start all over again.

      Despite this difficulty, the game is fun. The challenge is a part of the charm, and I cannot wait to take on Arcade Mode with Tom again soon.

       

      Verdict:

      This game is my favorite run and gun game of all time. The faults that I find with it, are minimal and nitpicky at most. Hell, I even replayed it... through the frustration just for this Review a Great Game Day review. It's a must play for any fan of the genre.

       

      Harley says “Buy it!”

      ?

       

    • Top 10 Characters Inspired By Bruce Lee

      1 year ago

      Woodyman

      Bruce Lee is known as one of the most influential martial artists who ever lived. He was a Hong Kong film actor and the founder of Jeet Kune Do. He was a legendary actor and martial artist who unfortunately passed away too soon.

      His legacy lives on in several video game characters that resemble, act like, or fight like Bruce Lee. I decided to count down these characters inspired by Lee. Keep in mind that these are retro game characters inspired by Bruce Lee and not just video game versions of Bruce Lee.

       

      10.) Hitmonlee

      We’re starting off this list with the only non-human entry on the list. Hitmonchan and Hitmonlee are first generation Pokemon based on the legendary fighters Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee.

      He may not look like Bruce Lee, but this Pokemon is known as the “Kicking Fiend”. He is known for his ferocious kicks with jump kicks, and strong kicks… just like the legendary Bruce Lee.

      It may be the weirdest entry on this list, but Hitmonlee looks like a complete badass.

       

      9.) Jacky Bryant

      Here is another character who doesn’t really resemble Bruce Lee. Jacky has bright blonde hair, a fondness for red, lightning, and leather jackets.

      The only thing they have in common is their fighting styles. Jacky is a user of Bruce Lee’s signature Jeet Kune Do. In the Virtua Fighter series, Jacky Bryant can actually utilize some of the signature moves that Bruce Lee mastered in his life.

      Jacky is really strong because of his speed and his ability to combo!

       

      8.) Hon Fu

      Hon Fu from the Fatal Fury series is a composite character inspired by both Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee combined.

      Hon Fu is a clumsy Hong Kong police officer who is friendly to everyone. He’s a very proficient fighter known for his acrobatics.

      Hon Fu is reminiscent of Bruce Lee for one major reason, and that is his nunchucks… or is is nunchacku? Bruce Lee is commonly known for his impressive nuchaku skills and Hon Fu is no exception. Hon Fu is so skilled he can wield two at a time and light them on fire without harming himself.

       

      7.) Nuncha

      Speaking of nuchucks/nunchaku we have an obscure reference from the father of fighting games… Yie Ar Kung Fu.

      Yie Ar Kung Fu is a fighting game created in 1985 and is supposed to have inspired all fighting games that came after it. In this game technically two characters are inspired by Bruce Lee.

      First off the main character Oolong has a fighting style similar to Lee. However, the character that makes this list is Nuncha. Nuncha is another character that fights with nunchucks, but he also pays homage to Lee by wearing the yellow track suit Lee made famous in the film, Game of Death.

       

      6.) Dragon Chan

      Since Bruce Lee is known for his kicks, you wouldn’t expect to find an homage to Bruce Lee in a Punch-Out!! game, but here is Dragon Chan in the SNES and Arcade versions of Super Punch-Out!!

      Like many characters in this list, Dragon Chan is based off of Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan combined. His name is an obvious reference to both characters. His appearance though is actually modeled off Lee as he is a Chinese boxer from Hong Kong.

      Dragon Chan is a formidable foe. His swinging kick attack must be ducked, or it can knock you out in just one hit.

       

      5.) Jann Lee

      Besides the obvious homage to Bruce Lee in this Dead or Alive character’s name, there are several other things that connect Jann Lee to Bruce Lee.

      Jann Lee learned Jeet Kune Do by watching Bruce Lee films. He studied these films over and over until he was able to master the style. He also based many of his outsits on Bruce Lee, like the yellow track suit we saw before or martial arts uniforms with a dragon emblem… the dragon was commonly connected to Bruce Lee. He even has the same birthday as Bruce Lee.

      However many connections there are, there are also many differences. Jann Lee is a cocky fighter who often claims victory even before the fight even begins. He’s aggressive and always looking for a fight, unlike the real Bruce Lee’s humble/laid back attitude.

       

      4.) Kim Dragon

      Kim Dragon was the inspiration for this list. His name is an obvious reference to Bruce Lee, but there is so much more you need to know about this fighter from the World Heroes series of fighting games.

      He has the fighting style of Bruce Lee with the high-pitched screams, the flying kicks, and the really intense speed. He has the occupation of Bruce Lee with being a martial arts movie star, and martial artist. He also is a kung-fu master.

      One of the big differences is that Kim Dragon is Korean while Bruce Lee is not.

       

      3.) Liu Kang

      Liu Kang’s resemblance to Bruce Lee was almost entirely coincidental. He was originally supposed to represent a bald monk character… or should I say kharacter… since this is Mortal Kombat after all! However, the actor for the digitized graphics refused to shave his head, so they changed his design to resemble Bruce Lee.

      One thing that Bruce Lee did a lot of, was high-pitched screaming as he performed his attacks. You’ll hear that from a lot of these characters on this list, but especially the final four. Liu Kang as he’s flying through the air will scream like there’s no tomorrow.

      In addition to appearance and screams, Liu Kang’s fighting style is an homage to Lee. Liu Kang flies through the air with devastating kicks, and he can shoot fireballs.

      Remember when I said Bruce Lee was associated with the dragon… well Liu Kang can actually turn into a dragon.

       

      2.) Fei Long

      When I started this list, I saw a similar list where a lot of the comments were saying “Fei Long is nothing like Bruce Lee”… frankly those people are idiots. Fei Long which literally means “Flying Dragon” is a character introduced in one of the fifty iterations of Street Fighter II. Let’s just look at the similarities between the two.

      We’ve already covered the name, but there are plenty more similarities. Fei Long is a martial artist who was also a Hong Kong movie star, just like Bruce Lee. Fei Long quit films and came up with his own style of martial arts, just like Bruce Lee. Fei Long focuses on quick strikes and flying kicks, just like Bruce Lee. Fei Long’s costume is similar to one just like Bruce Lee wore. Fei Long makes high-pitched screams when he attacks, just like Bruce Lee. Fei Long’s victory quote is “There can never be another legend like the great one and his son” which is a reference to Bruce Lee and his son, Brandon.

      So people who think Fei Long is not an homage to Bruce Lee… shut up.

       

      1.) Marshall Law

      Marshall Law from the Tekken series is Bruce Lee. Like all the other characters on this list he has many similarities with the martial arts legend. He practices Jeet Kune Do, has flying kicks, fast punches, loud screams, he wears the yellow jumpsuit, he is mistaken for Fei Long (who we already proved is a Bruce Lee inspired character), he has several different outfits and throws that are inspired by Bruce Lee movies.

      He has all of this, but there is one thing that sets Marshall Law above the rest, and that’s his son Forest Law. Forest Law is an obvious homage to Bruce Lee’s son, Brandon. The two fight together and are inspired by the father/son duo of Bruce and Brandon Lee.

       

      Originally posted on 1 More Castle

      Nothing has been edited from the original blog.

      One game per franchise

      Retro games (PS2 era and prior) only.

    • Top 10 Politicians in Video Games

      1 year ago

      Woodyman

      As I’m sure you’re all aware, last Friday was Independence Day or as the Internet has dubbed it, ‘Muricah Day! Many other list writers are celebrating by counting down the most Patriotic games, best video game fireworks, or most ‘Murican video game character (#1 is always Guile). However, I decided to use this holiday to honor those who really deserve it… politicians.

       

      For this list we’re going to exclude kings, queens, emperors, etc… because they only exist in fantasy worlds like Hyrule, Middle Earth, and England. Instead we’re focusing on mayors, governors, senators, and of course Presidents. In addition, we’re only going to focus on fictitious retro politicians so that means no modern games, and no real politicians in games. Sorry Bad Dudes President Ronnie, Fight Club Abraham Lincoln, or NBA Jam Bill Clinton!

      Without further ado, let’s begin!

       

      10.) President Dick Richardson

      Isn’t Dick a nickname for Richard? So he’s actually Richard Richardson?

      Nevertheless, you may remember ole Dickey here as the President of the Enclave and you might remember finding him on the Enclave Oil Rig.

      True to his name, Dick Richardson is kind of a dick. As President he used his power to try and create a mutant-free America, by any means necessary. Unfortunately, that basically means using biological weapons to wipe out all imperfections and almost all life. If you can’t already tell Dick is the antagonist. While it’s your job as The Chosen One to kill the president and save the world.

       

      9.) Governor Griffon

      I just realized that unintentionally but coincidentally that almost all politicians on this list are antagonists or just corrupt. I’m guessing game designers are just anti-government anarchists. That makes sense to me.

      Governor Griffon of Red Dead Revolver (not Red Dead Redemption) is no exception. He’s a greedy man who managed to rise to power through backstabbing and corruption, but that’s not all. One man he backstabbed was Nate Harlow… his former partner and father of protagonist Red Harlow.

      This set the events of Red Dead Revolver in motion, as Red is on a mission of vengeance.

       

      8.) The President in Apocalypse (PS1)

      Apocalypse is basically Bruce Willis the game. You play as a one-liner shouting Bruce Willis on a quest the stop the Apocalypse or something like that. I don’t know, the plot really doesn’t matter.

      It was a decent game and the most Bruce Willisness game ever created.

      Unfortunately, no one really talks about it. I couldn’t even find a picture to use for this entry so I had to screencap a Let’s Play.

      Being a game about the Apocalypse, the last boss battle is against the devil himself. The devil is in disguise as a human though. Not just any human, the President of the United States of America! The Devil is the President… That’s so damn metal!!! WHOOOO!!!!

       

      7.) President Huffman

      Is they’re not corrupt, they’re just incompetent. President Huffman is the successor to Nixon in the game Destroy All Humans! In this game an alien named Crypto wants to destroy all humans… duh!

      President Huffman should protect the citizens of the United States but is instead a sadistic man who is easily killed by Crypto.

      That’s not all! When Huffman is killed his brain is taken and put a giant mech named Robo-Prez, the ultimate weapon against Crypto. Which is killed off fairly quickly too. Even when the leader of our country is a giant mech, he still can’t save the day. Luckily I voted for Kodos.

       

      6.) Senator

      I never thought, I’d talk about this character twice, but here he is again. If you don’t remember, Senator is an unlockable character from Eternal Champions: Challenge from the Dark Side.

      Senator was a secret character and spoof of politicians in the 1990s who were gung-ho against video games and video game violence. However, he’s also a corrupt politician. His fighting style is dishonesty and he attacks with literal red tape and sharp campaign badges.

      He’s a great spoof character with an amazing stage, just a horrible person.

       

      5.) Alex Shrub

      The entire Grand Theft Auto series has some ‘interesting’ politicians. The one I remember the most is Florida State Congressman Alex Shrub from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.

      First off let’s just get this outta the way. While it can’t be confirmed many believe this politician is based of one of the three Bush’s. Shrub… Bush… get it?

      Alex Shrub only cares about money and covering up all the economic turmoil and deaths occurring in Vice City during his term. Shrub crosses path with the protagonist, Tommy Vercetti, after Shrub announces he seeks to ban pornography (so he can sway the votes of the puritan citizens). Vercetti just bought a pornographic film studio, so that ban cannot happen.

      Vercetti blackmails Shrub with some incriminating photos, the tamest of which is posted above. The mission is one you must experience yourself, but if you thought your local politician was a wacko, you haven’t seen Shrub.

       

      4.) Solidus Snake

      I hate including things from the Metal Gear Solid series on my lists because the series has so much complicated lore that I begin to go crazy. Let’s try not to write an entire page for this entry! Also probable spoilers ahead.

      Solidus Snake is one of the three clones of the original Snake aka Naked Snake aka Big Boss. While the other two clones had all of Big Boss’ inferior genes or all his superior genes, Solidus was an exact genetic copy of Big Boss.

      He was given the presidency by The Patriots (a secret organization that basically ran the country). Solidus was essentially a puppet for The Patriots and he grew to despise him. After organizing much of the Shadow Moses Incident (Metal Gear Solid 1), he was removed from office by the Patriots, but the general public was told he resigned. He knew he’d be a target so he went into hiding and his hatred of the Patriots grew.

      As the second game came along, Solidus aligned himself with more terrorists and conspired to use nuclear armaments in an attempt to destroy The Patriots power, and to find out their true identity.

      He wanted freedom… true freedom for everyone! Is that really such a bad thing?

      Well probably with him killing civilians, having child soldiers, and attempting to use nukes… it’s kinda a bad thing.

       

      3.) Mike Haggar

      Mike Haggar is so damn popular among gamers, that he’s practically become a meme, but is he a great politician? Hell yes!

       

       

      Let’s be honest, we want politicians who actually do something! That’s why Mike Haggar is so damn amazing. He’s the former wrestler turned mayor of Metro City, a city overrun by the Mad Gear gang. When the gang goes to far and kidnaps Haggar’s daughter, or someone else he holds dear, Haggar doesn’t call the police, he takes actions into his own hands.

      Haggar rips off his shirt and uses a lead pipe to beat down every gang member until he reclaims his daughter. This is a mayor of action! He saved Metro City from roaming gangs more times than I can count!

      He’s so damn popular he’s appeared in several other games but unfortunately never made it to the Street Fighter series. For shame Capcom.

      Also he’s Scottish, and so am I… so that’s a plus.

      2.) Elaine Marley

      One of the most common recurring character to the Monkey Island franchise has to be Elaine Marley. She’s been in so many games and has done so much, it’ll be tough to keep this entry short.

      Elaine made her debut in The Secret of Monkey Island, as a no-nonsense, governor but was reworked as Guybrush’s love interest.

      I like to think of Elaine as the anti-Princess Peach. They both get kidnapped often, but while Peach is a damsel in distress, Elaine is the antithesis of that. She can escape the clutches of LeChuck and is a well-rounded character. She’s tough but caring, beautiful but smart, and so damn strong willed that she had to be high on this list.

      She’s a person I’d actually want to have as a leader, and that’s more than I can say about most entries on this list, except for……….

      1.) President Michael Wilson

      I just found out about this game, I haven’t even played it but this is the most patriotic and Ahmurrican thing I have ever seen. It’s a third-person shooter released only for the original XBox and only in Japan.

      The game stars President Michael Wilson. He was betrayed by his Vice President, who used military force to take over the country, bring back slavery, and just be a giant jerkwad. Now the President is on a journey to restore the United States and bring back peace… also did I mention the President and Vice President have mechs!? because that’s pretty damn important to the story.

      So he has a mech like Huffman, takes matters into his own hands like Haggar, and is a strong leader like Elaine. He has to be number 1!

      If you’re still not convinced Michael Wilson should be so high on this list just watch.

       

       

      Can a US President from a video game only released in Japan, and one that I’ve never played be in the number one spot of this list?

      YES! BECAUSE THIS IS AHMURRICAH! WHERE ANYONE CAN BE PRESIDENT AND ANYONE CAN BE THE BEST POLITICIAN IN VIDEO GAMES… ESPECIALLY IF HE HAS A MECH!

       

    • Top 10 Worst Mothers in Video Games

      1 year ago

      Woodyman

      Hey everyone, it’s great to be back. I was so busy with work that I had to postpone my lists here on this site. To show just how long it’s been I’ve kept the original opening to this blog. Enjoy!

      It was just Mothers Day in the United States, and if you’re just finding this out now in my list, you’re a horrible child! In honor of the holiday I decided to count down the worst mothers in video games.

      These are the mothers you give weeds instead of flowers, rotten cheese instead of chocolate, and a discount card from the dollar store. Like with all my lists there will be one character per franchise, and only retro games count!

       

      So let’s begin!

       

      10.) Jimmy’s Mom

      Bully is a game about a delinquent child sent off to a boarding school to get proper discipline and education. It was originally released on the Playstation 2. However, since this is a game from the same people who made the Grand Theft Auto series, this game’s more about causing chaos than staying out of it.

      Jimmy is dropped off at the school by his mom. His mom is a minor character, but one who definitely fits this list. She seems like an inattentive mother, who leaves Jimmy to his own devices. She’s sending Jimmy to the school because he was disrespectful to his new stepfather, and she’s going on a honeymoon for one whole year.

      You’re supposed to take care of your child, not abandon him for a year and laugh as you’re kicking him out of the car.

       

      9.) Pokemon Protagonist’s Mom

      (Comic picture from brentalfloss)

      This is the entry on the list that you’ll probably see on several other lists, but it’s for a good reason. The mom in the Pokemon series is absolutely insane.

      Think about the world of Pokemon. There are monsters everywhere that have control over the destructive forces of nature. They can freeze, they can burn, they can electrocute, or they can bubble you. Some of these monsters are ghosts, some explode, and some are actual gods with control over space and time.

      Who are you? You’re a 10 year old kid, kicked out of the house and sent into this world with nothing but a new pair of running shoes. Thanks for the shoes mom, but maybe a health insurance would’ve been better.

       

      8.) Queen Zeal

      ?

      Queen Zeal is the secondary antagonist in Chrono Trigger for the SNES. She is obsessed with the power of the evil space tick, Lavos. She’s like a crack addict to power. She wishes to use the power to become immortal.

      Queen Zeal doesn’t care about her own children Schala and Janus, often exploiting or abusing them on her quest to more and more power. Then there was the whole Ocean Palace Incident, but once again I don’t want to get into too many spoilers.

      Queen Zeal isn’t really higher on this list because she’s more of a tragic character than an evil one. The other mothers on this list are quite worse.

      No really. Get prepared, because the other mothers on this list are messed up.

       

      7.) Ma Cipirani

      The last entries on this list were incompetent or inattentive mothers, but this next one is a little bit too involved in her son’s life. She is a widow, the mother of Antonio, and the owner of Momma’s Restaurante in Liberty City. Yup, we’re talking about Grand Theft Auto III for the Playstation 2.

      According to Ma Cipriani her son is a useless sack of crap who can’t do anything right. Therefore, she has to do everything for him. She’s always saying her son Toni is too girly and weak compared to his father. She even claims a man in a diaper chasing prostitutes was manlier than Toni.

      The worst thing Ma Cipriani does is she puts a hit out on her son in order to toughen him up. You read that right, she sends out gangsters to kill her son… in order to toughen him up.

       

      6.) Kazooie

      ?

      When I was deciding who to put in this spot, I had a huge debate going in my head. There are a lot of characters in video games that use eggs as projectiles/weapons. However, I had to decide which one could be a mother.

      At first I thought of Yoshi… but “Super Smash Bros. Melee states in Yoshi’s trophy that Yoshi reproduce asexually, meaning that they reproduce without a mate, and are neither male nor female.” So Yoshi’s are out. Then I thought of Birdo… but “in the first edition manual for the North American release of Super Mario Bros. 2, Birdo is referred to as a male who believes he is female and would rather be called “Birdetta”. Don’t tell me that Nintendo changed it later on, because I don’t believe you!

      So the obvious choice is Kazooie fram Banjo-Kazooie on the Nintendo 64. Kazooie is a female who constantly shoots her offspring (eggs) out of her beak and her backside. She has probably killed thousands of her kids in an effort to murder others.

       

      5.) The Queen in Ico

      I’m going to be spoiling almost the entire plot in this game, so… WARNING!

      We’ve seen overinvolved mothers, underinvolved mothers, mothers who neglect their children, and mothers who use their children as projectiles… and yet we still have more to go.

      The Queen from Ico (PS2) is the primary antagonist in the game. She is getting old and her body is getting weak, nevertheless she is tall and very imposing. She wants to prolong her life by sacrificing a young woman named Yorda. The big kicker is Yorda is the daughter of the queen.

      Yes! This entire game is about stopping an evil queen from sacrificing her beautiful young daughter in order to prolong her own life.

      One of the biggest aspects of being a parent is putting your child before everything else. However, the selfish Queen never got that memo.

       

      4.) Sindel

      Sindel from the Mortal Kombat series is a tough character to talk about on this list. Her history was altered in the remake of Mortal Kombat, so she technically has two backstories.

      Sindel made her debut in Mortal Kombat 3. She was the queen of Edenia which was taken over by series antagonist Shao Kahn. She commited suicide so she wouldn’t be Kahn’s wife, but that didn’t stop him. In Mortal Kombat 3 she is raised from the dead as Shao Kahn’s brainwashed concubine until her daughter Kitanna, talks her out of it.

      In the 2011 remake, things go a bit differently. She is resurrected and brainwashed by Shao Kahn, however she is not easily talked out of it. In fact she breaks into the good guys headquarters and kills almost every single one of them, including her own daughter Kitanna. That’s fucked up.

      You could argue that it wasn’t her fault, because she was brainwashed… but none of this would have happened if she didn’t kill herself.

       

      3.) Annette Birkin

      Annette Birkin is from my favorite and the very best Resident Evil game ever made… Resident Evil 2 for the PS1 (and probably other systems too).

      You may not remember Annette Birkin, but she is the mother of one of the game’s protagonist, Sherry Birkin. Annette is a character who is easy to hate because she shoots at Leon Kennedy and Ada Wong in the campaign. Luckily, later she is killed by her mutated and zombified husband.

      Why is Annette Birkin so high on this list? Because her husband is a fucking lunatic and she did nothing about it.

      William Birkin was obsessed with creating a new strain of the T-virus called the G-virus. He was gonna use the virus to screw over the Umbrella corporation. Instead Umbrella shot the hell outta him, so he used the G-virus on himself to heal and transform into a grotesque beast. He also emplanted G-virus embyros in his daughter, Sherry, which was another terrible idea.

      While all this was going on Annette knew William was losing his marbles, but she was obsessed with the research too. She did nothing until the very end because she cared more about a virus than her own daughter.

       

      2.) Queen Brahne

      Queen Brahne from Final Fantasy IX on the original Playstation is similar to Sindel, Queen Zeal, and the Queen in Ico combined. She used to be a kind ruler until her husband passed away and an evil stranger known as Kuja started filling her head with greed.

      Queen Brahne is a fat elephant-like woman who has a certain fondness for gaudy extravagent dresses and way too much makeup. She is also obsessed with power. Queen Brahne has an adopted daughter with the ability to summon eidolons or summons. She had her minions extract the eidolons out of her daughter, Garnet, then ordered Garnet to be executed.

      Garnet escapes, but now Brahne is using her ability to summon these eidolons of rediculous power to destroy two cities and is now attempting to take over the world.

      She’s not brainwashed, or under the spell of some greater evil. She’s just a horrible mother.

       

      1.) Dahlia Gillespie

      ?

      Hey! You know everything horrible that has happened in the Silent Hill franchise and the town itself? You can blame almost everything on Dahlia Gillespie. Dahlia is a cult leader, worshipper of a dark god, and an abusive mother to Alessa. I’m going to get into serious series spoilers from here on out, so you’ve been warned.

      Dahlia is obsessed with her cult and her dark god. When her daughter Alessa was young, Alessa had telekinetic abilites and accidentally summoned spirits and poltergeists when she was a young child. Dahlia wanted to have Alessa “birth” the dark god so they had a cult ritual. Unfortunately, shit went real bad and the house Alessa was in caught on fire. Alessa trapped in the house would have burned to death if she did not use her powers to save herself, but she was still horribly disfigured.

      After all that Dahlia wasn’t done. Alessa was kept by the cult and constantly tortured so her powers would grow. While being held captive, Dahlia still wanted Alessa to “birth” the dark god even though Alessa outright refused.

      Then the events of Silent Hill happened, and all the demons and dark creatures and death can all be traced back to Dahlia being a horrible mother.

      To top it all off, Dahlia has a connection to Walter Sullivan from the damn Silent Hill 4: The Room. The worst horror game I have ever played.

      It’s one thing to be crazy enough to kill your daughter, or order her execution… but Dahlia tortured her daughter for years and subsequently caused death and misery all around her. She is the worst mother in gaming.

       

       

      Wow! That was a bit dark and depressing wasn’t it. I’m really sorry my triumphant return has been tainted by talks about murder, suicide, cults, and demons but what can you expect from a Mother’s Day inspired list.

       

      As I mentioned before, work slowed down a ton! I’ll be back on a normal two week schedule for at least the entire summer, and hopefully longer. It feels great to be back guys, thanks for being so understanding!

  • About Me

    g1 of the Year 2011

    Creator of g1 Spotlight, Literary Luminary, Titanium Man of Flash Gaming, Cartoon Collab (name pending), and a new g1 run WTF Is That?

    Writer of awesome Top 10s, Reviews, and Video Game Poetry

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